Midlife Crisis

So, how can you tell if you're having a midlife crisis? I think that's where I'm at right now. Or maybe I'm having a psychotic break. Or maybe I'm just fed up with trying to be a good Christian mom. Why? Why do I have to be so fucking strict with myself and my kids? I'm done. 

I haven't been to church in about two years. I avoided the church in 2020 due to weak COVID restrictions. The Black Lives Matter Movement, 2020 election, Jan. 6 Insurrection, and overturning of Roe v. Wade further served to divide me from my church. I watched the service online for a while, but eventually dropped that too. It was as if my fellow members had their conservative ostrich heads in the sand and couldn't see their actions were not how Jesus would have handled things. 

Over the last few months, our pastors finally decided to address the stance of homosexuality in the United Methodist Church. They did a summer series about sexuality in the church and sent out strongly worded letters against remaining in the UMC. Although I hadn't been physically present in a while, I did go to the church to cast my vote on September 11. Some people were pleased to see me, some avoided eye contact, while others made passive-aggressive comments. It was not a comfortable meeting. 

By overwhelming majority, my church voted to leave the UMC. My church voted to join the newly formed and very conservative Global Methodist Church. I will not be returning to my church home of nearly 16 years.

I'm not looking for a new church at this time either. A few friends reached out to me from more liberal UMC's in my area and some suggested the Episcopal Church. While I appreciate their invites, I can't go to church right now and I don't know if I will in the future. Yes, I am church-hurt.

It has been 10 days since the vote. At first I was sad, but now I have a sense of closure, like the end of a season in my life. For now, anywhere with good music will be my church. I deleted the Christian radio stations from my presets (so many triggers). I removed myself from email lists and social media posts. I need to figure out how to disaffiliate myself. I'm practicing mindfulness, being fully present, feeling the world with all of my senses. Secular is no longer a bad word. I'm happily embracing the secular.