Monday, March 17

Dates and Numbers II

I went to the OB office this morning.

They drew blood for the third time in a week. I had my second ultrasound in a week too.

There IS a baby with a heartbeat! What a beautiful heartbeat!

The baby (only one) measured to be 7 weeks, 0 days. That makes the due date 11-3-08.

I left the office with three ultrasound pictures of my baby, an appointment for next week, and two more prescriptions for nausea.

Thank You, God!

Saturday, March 15

Dates and Numbers

LMP: 1-21-08

That would make conception somewhere around 1-4-08, but that isn't possible.

Conception happened on 2-10-08, or a few days later.

By LMP, I am at 7 weeks, 5 days, but I know that date is screwy. Remember, I have crazy cycles.

By the date that I believe I conceived, I am at 6 weeks, 6 days.

Nausea and vomiting has been miserable this week. I've spent most of my time in bed (except when removing Silly Putty from hair and other essential tasks of motherhood). I have done a pretty fine job of shutting others out. I am supremely grouchy.

My motto this week has been:
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don't walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck

Tuesday morning I was feeling a little less than terrible, so Little Man and I went into the pregnancy center where I volunteer. I had my friend and nurse manager do an ultrasound on me. We saw a great gestational sac and a pretty little round yolk sac. We expected to see a
heartbeat, but didn't.

Maybe I am not as far along as I thought. Maybe it is too soon to see a heartbeat.

I left the center with a picture of my little yolk sac and two papers. One paper's header read "Miscarriage Precautions" and the other paper was a statement for my doctor's office saying that I needed to follow up with them.

My OB nurse got me in the office that morning. Yardboy met me and Little Man there. My midwife did a pelvic exam and said everything looked fine. Then she ordered blood work, a quantitative hCG. They drew the first one in the office and I had the next blood draw done on Thursday.

I got my lab results back last night at 5:45pm. Tuesday's hCG count was 53,136. On Thursday, the level was at 64,992. In healthy pregnancy, hCG levels double about every 48 hours. Obviously, my numbers didn't come anywhere near to doubling. Another thing I am wondering about is how high those numbers are. They seem pretty high to me, but I know very little about it all.

My OB nurse told me to come into the office first thing Monday morning for another ultrasound. Apparently they think the dates and numbers are funky too.

Now I don't know if I should hope for a healthy baby, or just hope this all ends soon. My emotions bounce all over the place. I feel numb, hopeful, sad, relieved, guilty... My mind is not a very pleasant place to visit right now.

I do know that I am still very miserably nauseated and that I am still pregnant. What I don't know is if I have a viable pregnancy. I will see what Monday morning brings.

Yes, this is a big exercise in trusting God.

Thursday, March 13

Silly Putty

I learn something new every day.

Today I learned that certain toys should not be played with in bed.

Apparently, Tater was playing with Silly Putty last night when she fell asleep.

She woke up with it on her squishy blue pillow, sheets, shirt, and in her hair. What a mess!

I found a great website that gives suggestions for removing Silly Putty, just in case you ever need to get it.

At least it wasn't chewing gum!

Update: Drason, I couldn't bear the thought of smelling peanut butter for that long, so I got creative. I used Queen Helene Cholesterol Hair Conditioning Cream. Yes, I know the name is disgusting! I bought the jar a few years ago hoping it would help my frizz problem. It didn't help the frizz issue, but it really worked on Silly Putty.

Saturday, March 8

Formed in Utter Seclusion

I've been putting off writing this post. Is it codependency or just being sensitive to the feelings of others? I don't know. That fine line still confuses me.

I am surrounded by friends that want to have babies, but for some reason or another, haven't been able to do so. It breaks my heart. I don't understand why it happens so easily for some, and not for others.

We had a small taste of the bitterness of infertility when we worked to get pregnant with our daughter, Tater. When we began trying to have a second child, we had a miscarriage. Immediately after the miscarriage, we conceived our son, Little Man. We don't take the fact that we have two great kids for granted. We are truly grateful that our struggle was so short-lived, and that we didn't lose more pregnancies.

Now for the big news: I am pregnant again, about six weeks along.

Did we plan to get pregnant? Nope, but we are excited. I did four pregnancy tests, expecting each to be negative, but hoping for positive. Many people laugh, "Don't you know how this happens?" Yes, we know how it happens, but we really didn't expect it to happen, given how "menstrually retarded" my body seems to be. Ha! I guess it works when it wants to work.

I've been afraid to surrender this pregnancy to God. I know that doesn't make sense. God can do whatever he wants, without my permission. I have been afraid that God will take this baby from me. I've been afraid to hope, for fear that my hopes will be dashed. Seeing lifeless babies of other women on ultrasound has not been helpful at all!

I considered keeping the pregnancy secret, at least a little longer, for fear that I would miscarry. Then I realized that it is better to have the support of those who care for me, than to hide in fear.

I am really working on trusting God. I am daily surrendering everything to God. I now know that we will be okay, no matter what happens.

Psalm 139: 13-16 (NLT)
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.