I've been putting off writing this post. Is it codependency or just being sensitive to the feelings of others? I don't know. That fine line still confuses me.
I am surrounded by friends that want to have babies, but for some reason or another, haven't been able to do so. It breaks my heart. I don't understand why it happens so easily for some, and not for others.
We had a small taste of the bitterness of infertility when we worked to get pregnant with our daughter, Tater. When we began trying to have a second child, we had a miscarriage. Immediately after the miscarriage, we conceived our son, Little Man. We don't take the fact that we have two great kids for granted. We are truly grateful that our struggle was so short-lived, and that we didn't lose more pregnancies.
Now for the big news: I am pregnant again, about six weeks along.
Did we plan to get pregnant? Nope, but we are excited. I did four pregnancy tests, expecting each to be negative, but hoping for positive. Many people laugh, "Don't you know how this happens?" Yes, we know how it happens, but we really didn't expect it to happen, given how "menstrually retarded" my body seems to be. Ha! I guess it works when it wants to work.
I've been afraid to surrender this pregnancy to God. I know that doesn't make sense. God can do whatever he wants, without my permission. I have been afraid that God will take this baby from me. I've been afraid to hope, for fear that my hopes will be dashed. Seeing lifeless babies of other women on ultrasound has not been helpful at all!
I considered keeping the pregnancy secret, at least a little longer, for fear that I would miscarry. Then I realized that it is better to have the support of those who care for me, than to hide in fear.
I am really working on trusting God. I am daily surrendering everything to God. I now know that we will be okay, no matter what happens.
Psalm 139: 13-16 (NLT)
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.