Thursday, June 20

Character Defects?

So, after lots of thought, I finally told my counselor that one of my major character defects is laziness.  She disagreed, and kindly pointed out all of the things I do that prove that I AM NOT LAZY. 

That was months ago, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.  I was called lazy as a child, and I'm working now on not believing that lie.

What my counselor said next shook me to the core.  She said that SARCASM is one of my principle character defects.  I'm sure I replied with a snarky comment.

After sitting in silence for what seemed an eternity, my counselor called my name.  I was staring at a creepy sketch of a screaming monkey and she seemed to be very far away.  I think she called me several times before I realized it.  She wanted to know what I was thinking.

I began to cry, and feel really, really stupid.  Who cries about crap like this?!  I guess someone who uses sarcasm as her chief coping mechanism, that's who. 

Finally, I answered, "I don't know what would be left [to protect me] without sarcasm.

I left that night with the assignment to ask my husband help me identify when I was using sarcasm, as I often don't realize it myself.

A month later, I returned to her office feeling quite silly, and pissed off at myself.  How could I reach the age of 37 without knowing that my words are powerful, often very hurtful, and don't truly protect me at all.  I had a breakthrough.

I've been working on dropping sarcasm when I am hurt, threatened, angry, or just at a loss for words.  As always, this is a work in progress.