Thursday, September 27

Prayer for Serenity


God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

- Reinhold Niebuhr -



My friend posted this song on her blog. It touched me deeply. I have everything I ever wanted, but so often I feel like I'm just surviving, not thriving. Anything else would be more than I could handle. I know that those are the times when I should cry out to God, but even that seems more than I am capable of doing. Sometimes all I can do is hide behind my facade and keep breathing.

Sunday, September 16

In Hiding

I know these thoughts are not healthy,
But I have to give them a voice.
If I don't acknowledge the pain,
How can it ever get better?

Here goes...

Where are you?
Are you ever coming back?
I'm lonely.
I miss my friend.

I guess you are in survival mode now.
The pain must be immense.
I don't know.
I assume.

I didn't cause the pain,
So why do you run from me when hurt?
Maybe I pushed too hard.
Maybe I expected too much.

I suppose you don't have the reserve to deal with my issues too.
I must not be safe anymore.
I don't want to add my insecurities to you burden,
But I can't stand this silence!

Monday, September 10

One Whole Year

Today is the first birthday of The Fuzzball Chronicles!
Wow! I actually did something for an entire year. I'm proud of myself.

Thursday, September 6

Just Plain Messy

I frantically cleaned before Drason, Crickey, and Smiley Boy came over yesterday. Drason has been here before, but it was the first visit for Crickey and Smiley Boy. I wanted to make a good first impression.

Well, actually I just didn't want to be totally embarassed. Of course, the house wasn't anywhere near as clean as I would have liked it to be. At least the bathroom wasn't disgusting. After cleaning the kitchen, and picking up most of the choking hazards, I came to my senses.

They weren't coming to see my house. They weren't coming over to evaluate my homekeeping skills. They were coming to see me. I'm usually comfortable in my messy home. If someone is a true friend, I should feel comfortable with them in my messy house with me.

Now I'm not saying that I should subject friends to poopy diaper scent, science projects in the kitchen sink, and a skanky bathroom. I am saying that I need to be more willing to open my door to others in spite of strewn toys, mountain ranges of laundry on the couch, milk and juice stains on the carpet, gritty tile floors, junkmail covering the desk, cat hair, dirty dishes in the sink...

I am resolving to let people in even if it is a disaster inside. No more stepping out on the porch and closing the front door. No more avoiding visits from friends. I am good at lots of other things. Neatness isn't my strong suit and I think that is okay.

We are a messy, cluttered family. I grew up in a messy, cluttered home. I am not going to pretend any more. If I had a spotless home, I would be denying my heritage! I would be denying my children of their heritage! HA!

By the way, all of the cakes are made in a clean kitchen. I don't like to cook or bake in a dirty kitchen. Clorox Cleanup is my friend.

Kindergarten and Preschool

Tater and Little Man are both in school! They go to a half-day Kindergarten and preschool. Little man goes three days a week and of course Tater goes five days a week. They both seem to enjoy it so much. I'm glad we chose to put them in a school.

Wednesday, September 5

Don't shoot the messenger! Part II

Hi, I'm a believer in Christ Jesus who is recovering from Codependency. My name is Curly.

God has an interesting way of giving us what we need. I prayed for The Bulldog's heart to be softened. I don't know what God did to his heart, but he softened my heart.

One night last week I sat down at the computer and typed out an apology. Here is a small portion of the apology:

I feel I must make amends. Our conversation left me with a deep ache that isn’t going away.
I’ve never been good at conveying my feelings gently. Sometimes my passion gets me in trouble. I tend to present the unvarnished truth, and it isn’t always received in the way I intend. I think you and I are very similar in that respect.
I meant no harm, but my words must have seemed threatening. I am sorry. I simply wanted to share with you how God has been touching me, my family, and my friends. I wanted to share my joy with you. I did not intend to force anything on you or imply that you are doing anything wrong. Please forgive me if that is how I sounded...
I want your approval (though I do not need it) because you are important to me. The fact that I can even write this letter is a testament to the work God is doing in me.

I ended the email with a promise of a big hug from me at an upcoming party.

I didn't get a response from The Bulldog. For days I checked email and caller I.D. frequently. Nothing. I almost had a codependent meltdown. Did he read the email and become more angry? Did he see my email and decide not to even open it? Did he receive the email at all? I don't know.

I went to Celebrate Recovery the night before the party. My sponsor as well as others from my step group and small group prayed for me to have strength and wisdom the next night. I left ready to deliver the hug, no matter how he acted.

At the party, The Bulldog was making his rounds. He hugged everyone at our table except for me and my friend. He didn't speak to us or even make eye contact. It seemed intentional, but I don't know if it was.

I decided right then that I was going to find him and get that stupid hug over with, even if he was avoiding me. I had to deliver the hug, just in case he did read the email.

After a little encouragement from my friend, I got up and made my way to The Bulldog. I hugged him and he hugged me back. I asked him how he was doing and he said, "Great! I'm doing great." Then I walked away. It was over. The timing was not right to ask if he got the email. It was time to have fun at the party, so I did.

Now I really don't care what he thinks. I did what was right. I took care of my obligation. How he chooses to react is not my responsibility. HOW HE REACTS IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!

End Note:
To someone who doesn't have codependent tendencies, this must seem really stupid. I admit, it is really stupid. It is also really real and painful to me. The approval of those I love is more important to me than it should be. However, I'm getting better... Thanks for letting me share.