My dear friend K took care of Tater while we were in the OB/Gyn office. Yardboy and I were shaken, scared, and heartbroken.
I can still hear the horrible words of the midwife that did my ultrasound, "That's an empty uterus, that's an empty uterus." She was so cold. I didn't get any pictures--it was too late. My body got rid of everything on its own.
I was five or six weeks along when I miscarried, at least the time I knew about. I wonder if I've lost more pregnancies than that one. When I have cycles, they are very irregular and very far apart. I know I have issues with progesterone. That makes me wonder if those irregularities were miscarriages due to low hormone levels. I guess I will never know, at least not before I go to heaven.
I had mixed feelings about my miscarriage. I was sad, of course. I felt like I lost a baby, but mostly I felt like I lost the potential of a baby. I even felt like I had no right to be sad. After all, it was still so early.
The week after I lost the pregnancy, my best friend L and I went to the funeral of a four day old baby. Our friend M lost one of her twins to a brain defect called Vein of Galen Malformation. It was heart wrenching for us both! L had been on clomid for almost a year and I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. I think we cried for ourselves as much as we cried for M. I would cry for her, then cry for myself, then feel guilty for crying for myself, then cry for L, who had never even been pregnant (that she knew of).
I felt like M had the right to feel sad, but I didn't. I felt like losing a full term baby must mean more than miscarrying so early. It is awful to lose a full term baby, but it is also awful to lose a baby right after you find out that he exists. I talked with M about it all. Even during her immense pain, she helped me acknowledge the importance of my little baby.
A little over a month after losing my baby, I became pregnant with my precious Little Man.
My medical record now says, "Gravida 3, Para 2" (3 Pregnancies, 2 Births) and I am proud of that little number 3. It is the only record of my little baby that lived such a short time.
Update: L is now the mommy of sweet little N, 12 months old. M is the mom of 2 year old R and has another one due to arrive in April. Interesting little note, N and R both have beautiful red hair!