Tuesday, September 12

The Miscarriage

My dear friend K took care of Tater while we were in the OB/Gyn office. Yardboy and I were shaken, scared, and heartbroken.

I can still hear the horrible words of the midwife that did my ultrasound, "That's an empty uterus, that's an empty uterus." She was so cold. I didn't get any pictures--it was too late. My body got rid of everything on its own.

I was five or six weeks along when I miscarried, at least the time I knew about. I wonder if I've lost more pregnancies than that one. When I have cycles, they are very irregular and very far apart. I know I have issues with progesterone. That makes me wonder if those irregularities were miscarriages due to low hormone levels. I guess I will never know, at least not before I go to heaven.

I had mixed feelings about my miscarriage. I was sad, of course. I felt like I lost a baby, but mostly I felt like I lost the potential of a baby. I even felt like I had no right to be sad. After all, it was still so early.

The week after I lost the pregnancy, my best friend L and I went to the funeral of a four day old baby. Our friend M lost one of her twins to a brain defect called Vein of Galen Malformation. It was heart wrenching for us both! L had been on clomid for almost a year and I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. I think we cried for ourselves as much as we cried for M. I would cry for her, then cry for myself, then feel guilty for crying for myself, then cry for L, who had never even been pregnant (that she knew of).

I felt like M had the right to feel sad, but I didn't. I felt like losing a full term baby must mean more than miscarrying so early. It is awful to lose a full term baby, but it is also awful to lose a baby right after you find out that he exists. I talked with M about it all. Even during her immense pain, she helped me acknowledge the importance of my little baby.

A little over a month after losing my baby, I became pregnant with my precious Little Man.

My medical record now says, "Gravida 3, Para 2" (3 Pregnancies, 2 Births) and I am proud of that little number 3. It is the only record of my little baby that lived such a short time.

Update: L is now the mommy of sweet little N, 12 months old. M is the mom of 2 year old R and has another one due to arrive in April. Interesting little note, N and R both have beautiful red hair!


J Smith said...

Hey, Curly Mommy!
You are a wonderful Mommy -- I can't wait to meet your little baby in heaven someday. Do you think they have fire alarms up there? Be sure to keep Little Man away from bright red plastic handles in the walls until he's a little older. I'm glad you were able to help that preschool out by getting in their required drill. Where would this world be without you?

Curly Mommy said...

Thanks so much. It is great to hear from you.

Sunny said...

This was just as beautiful the second time around. I am not sure if I told you that I forward your email to my friend who also had a miscarriage. It really ministered to her as well.