The Fuzzball Chronicles: the Life and Times of Curly Mommy

After a long, busy Father's Day with my husband, dad, and father-in-law, I am tired. It is a good tired, and I enjoyed our family day. A little while ago, I took all of my allergy and asthma meds, helped Yardboy clean the clothes off of our bed, set the alarm, checked on the kids, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put my jammies on, rubbed lotion on my feet, kissed Yardboy goodnight, and donned my auto pap mask. The mask wasn't sealing right, so it made a whistling noise every time I inhaled. My left arm was going to sleep, my right hip hurt, Yardboy was snoring, my eyes would not stay shut, and my mind was racing. I quietly removed my stupid mask and got out of bed. One of the thoughts racing through my brain was about how I have a counseling session tomorrow night and I haven't journaled once since my last meeting weeks ago. I don't mind journaling. I even like it, once I get started. I just can't get started. There is always something more important, or int...

So, here I sit, shaking, tweeking like a meth addict, but it isn't meth. It is albuterol. I thought I could climb into bed and trick myself into thinking I was breathing well enough to sleep. No such luck. I used my nebulizer then tried to sleep again. Nope. It is hard to drift off when my pulse is pounding out of my head, chest, limbs... At least my wheezing is a little better and my chest and back don't hurt as much. I guess Yardboy couldn't sleep either. He asked if I felt like cuddling. I declined, though I really would love to be held by him. I'm on edge, and I just don't think I can stand being touched right now. This has been a crazy couple of weeks, and all of the days are beginning to run together. My brain is in a fog. Tuesday afternoon I used my new nebulizer and albuterol. It worked for a couple of hours, then the wheezing came back. I decided to go to the ER. I arrived at the ER around 7:00 and immediately got a chest x-ray. Thankfully, the images of my...

So, I called the Pulmonologist around 8:30 yesterday morning, in hopes of a same-day appointment. No such luck. The receptionist offered me a May 1 appointment and left a message for the nurse to call me back. At 10:20 I hadn't heard back from the nurse, so I called back. I was offered the same appointment and was told I could leave another message. I decided not to wait on the call and made an appointment with my primary doc. When I got to my primary, the nurse immediately gave me a breathing treatment which made a big difference in how I was feeling. I explained that I had been to Urgent Care the night before, that my pulmonologist couldn't see me, and that I needed a stronger prednisone script than the one prescribed at Urgent Care. My doctor ordered a test to check for laringopharangeal reflux (food and drink refluxing into the sinuses), wrote a script for 18 days worth of prednisone (ugh!), and ordered a home nebulizer. It seems that my doctor is really starting to listen ...

Wednesday was miserable. Along with sinus and lung problems, I was miserable with twitching, restlessness, tingling limbs, headache, dizziness, and the sense that the room was trembling, even though it know it wasn't. At 8:30 I called my doctor about the symptoms, but the receptionist failed to report it to the nurse. The nurse called be back fairly quickly after I called again around 11:30. My afternoon was spent reporting symptoms and waiting for the nurse to relay the questions to my doc then call me back. In the first of three calls she made to me, she told me that the doctor didn't think my symptoms were related to my new med and asked if I wanted a neurology referral. After I made it clear that I was not going to take the med that I felt was making me sick ever again, she said she would call a different antibiotic in to my pharmacy. Yardboy was really helpful. Even though he had a full and stressful day, he took time off to pick up Tater and Little Man. I was in no shape ...

Blah. I feel like trash. I'm in the middle of another episode of sinobronchitis. Another episode? Yes, I think it is about the tenth time since December '09, but really I've lost count. I've made multiple visits to my primary doctor, allergist, pulmonologist, ear-nose-throat specialist, and gastroenterologist. I've taken so many rounds of antibiotics and corticosteroids, that I've lost count on that too. Sometimes the meds work, but I often end up calling my doctors back to get something different. The problems always return within a few weeks. Yesterday, after a week of antibiotics that seemed to be helping, I called my primary doc to report that my symptoms had returned. He ordred a head CT and changed my antibiotic. I began the new antibiotic last night and it is making me feel really crummy. Now, in addition to sinobronchitis, I'm having neurologic side effects from my medicine. I called my doctor's office this morning to report my side effects. Now ...

On one Friday night a month I work with the youth at The Landing. The Landing is Celebrate Recovery's new program for middle and high schoolers . It is basically the regular CR program translated to teen speak. I get something out of it every week, and the last time was no exception. One of the questions was about what it would feel like to have to rely on someone else to save my life. Most of the kids' (and adults') answers related to fear and anxiety. My answer was different. I remembered back to the birth of my first child. We knew she was in danger, so the nurses and doctors from Newborn Intensive Care Unit were in the delivery room ready to take her. As soon as she was born she was intubated and suctioned to make sure she hadn't and didn't inhale the meconium she had passed before birth. It was only after they finished working on her, that she took her first breath. An hour or two later, I noticed that my nurse (who happened to be my best friend) seem...

Wow! It has been over a year since I posted anything. Blame Facebook , I guess. I visited some of the blogs I used to enjoy only to see that they too haven't been touched in some time. Oh well. I guess lives change and the need for getting things out online changes too. The kids are 8, 5, and 2. Yardboy is working the same job that he worked before. I'm still enjoying being an at-home mom. Life is good.

“Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.” Luke 2:14 Merry Christmas!

This morning an Episcopal priest named Becca Stevens came to our church and spoke about about two amazing ministries, Thistle Farms and Magdalene. She quoted her book, Find Your Way Home: Words from the Street, Wisdom from the Heart : The thistle blooms in streets and alleys where women walk and sleep. We spend a lot of time considering the thistle -- it's rough exterior, its soft and regal center, and its capacity to break through concrete to blossom. In a world that names weeds, we taste the riches of thistles and savor their beauty. We are thistle farmers. The world is our farm, and we harvest where other people do not want to travel. I was going to attempt to describe Thistle Farms and Magdalene on my own, but I'm sure they say it much better: Thistle Farms is a non-profit business run by women who have survived lives of violence, prostitution, and abuse. Thistle Farms products are hand-made by the very women they benefit. All proceeds go back into Thistle Farms and the r...

Can you believe it? My baby girl is a year old! Look at those cute little (sharp) teeth! We celebrated Baby Bee's special day with a pumpkin carving party. This spider was carved by a third grader. Impressive! We learned that jack-o-lanterns don't do well in wet 80 degree weather. They didn't make it to Halloween. Yuck! This is the chocolate pumpkin smash cake I made for Baby Bee. I made one just like it for my dad. His birthday was the next day. Chocolate and coffee cake with milk chocolate ganache and buttercream frosting. The pumpkins are covered with chocolate poured fondant. The sweetest little pumpkin, ever.

You gotta read what my friend wrote a few days ago. Check it out: Voice in the Chasm

Lets get ready to ramble! I'm apologizing up front for the scattered nature of this post. :) My sponsor called me Saturday. She said that she is concerned about my recovery. She said that she wonders if I spend my time on good things when I could be spend my time on great things. Understandably, I'm a mom of three, so I am busy. She doesn't want to me to add anything new, but wants me to evaluate how I spend my time now. My assignment is to write, after thinking about it for a few days. So, it is two days later, and I've been thinking. Honestly, the phone call annoyed me. This assignment annoys me. I guess I don't want to confront my poor time management tendencies. I love my sponsor. She isn't afraid to give me annoying assignments. I look around me and it is painfully obvious that my family and I are pigs. Everyone here detests cleaning. Yardboy and I were raised by pack rats, so we weren't taught how to get rid of junk. I'm afraid that we...

I sat down tonight to blog about cloth diapers. Yes, we've made the switch to cloth,and yes, we like them. However, that isn't what I need to blog about tonight. I'll save the diaper talk for another post. Friday night I went to my parents church in my hometown to read my recovery story. This is no wimpy, skim the surface testimony. This is down and dirty, warts and all testimony. I even invited several friends who aren't in recovery. I stood in front of about 100 people and shared it all. If you've read my blog at all over the last few years, you know that struggle with anger, depression, codependency, and food addiction. But there is one thing I've kept private. I've never mentioned my biggest, toughest, darkest area of recovery. Friday night I openly spoke about it, so I might as well speak of it here too. YIKES! Here goes... I'm a SURVIVOR of childhood sexual abuse. Oh my goodness, I can't believe I said it. I'm feeling quite expose...

Wow, I've seriously neglected my blog this summer. Anyway, school is back in session now, so I better get back to typing. Here's a rundown of what We've been up to: The first couple weeks of summer I enrolled the kids in gymnastics, swim lessons, and Vacation Bible School. Baby Bee loved the water, as did Tater and Little Man. Hooray! Tater can finally swim! VBS was okay, but not a big thrill. We never even made it to gymnastics (over $80 wasted). We also spent a week at the beach with my family. The water, sand, and sky were amazing, but it was sweltering. We spent our days inside and went to the beach in the evenings. I even took the kids for their first roller skating trip. Can you believe that I didn't fall? On July 1 the real excitement began. Little Man got his middle finger on his right hand stuck in the bathroom door. He came out of the bathroom screaming and holding his hand. The soft tissue up to the first knuckle was gone and bone was sticking out. I found th...

Groom's cake for Scott and Michele's wedding. Scott is a soccer coach that loves Texas hold 'em. Our nephew graduated from high school. I made this car battery cake and covered it with marshmallow fondant. He is going to be an auto mechanic, so I thought a car part was fitting.

Sun-tzu said, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." I guess keeping an enemy close is a good idea if you are strong enough to thwart their attacks. I'm not strong enough. I keep losing battle, after battle, after battle. Who is my best friend? Food. Who is my worst enemy? Food. I am a foodie. I love to cook, and eat, and experience food. The anticipation, smell, taste, appearance, texture, chewing, swallowing, and feeling of fullness all bring me considerable pleasure. I use it to celebrate, draw closer to loved ones, show affection, and accept affection. Food is my safe, always-there-for-me cure-all. I medicate myself with it when I'm sad, hurting, bored, angry, tired, and lonely. I don't stop eating when I've had enough. After overeating, guilt and regret hang over me. I want to say that I won't overeat again, but I know saying that is useless. I can't control my tendency to eat too much! I wish I could run far away from my "frien...

Halloween 2007 Little Man loved his "Pumpkin Boy" costume. February 2009 Little Man still loves to be "Pumpkin Boy." Kick me if I ever complain about him outgrowing his clothes!

I'm posting this where I can see it every day... on my fridge. Things to Consider • Do you struggle with overeating or constant dieting? • Have you been on a diet and lost all the weight, but need support not to go back to unhealthy behaviors? • Do you ever feel out of control and unable to stop eating? • Do you eat out of frustration, anger, or fear? • Does it seem impossible to eat only when you are hungry and stop when you are full? • Do you eat to feel comfort? The Problem • Throughout our lives many of us have turned to food to ease our pain or fear. • We felt comfort in eating and found ourselves turning to food whenever we were hurt, angry or frustrated. • Food became our comforter, our friend. • Some of us may have one certain food that we can not stop eating, or are unable to eat only in healthy amounts. • Some of us may have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused and use food to cope with the emotions of those events. • Some of us may have had healthy eating habi...

I've been reading blogs while nursing Baby Bee. Several of them reminded me of this verse, so I thought I would share it: Hebrews 12:1-3 (New Century Version) Follow Jesus' Example 1 We are surrounded by a great cloud of people whose lives tell us what faith means. So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way and the sin that so easily holds us back. 2 Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect. He suffered death on the cross. But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him. And now he is sitting at the right side of God's throne. 3 Think about Jesus' example. He held on while wicked people were doing evil things to him. So do not get tired and stop trying.