The Fuzzball Chronicles: the Life and Times of Curly Mommy

Tuesday evening I went to my Celebrate Recovery Leaders' Meeting. The fellowship was refreshing, but I was more than a little nervous and preoccupied by what I planned to do at that meeting. After the Ministry Leader spoke (a challenging and encouraging message) he opened the floor for questions and comments. After a while, I stood and announced to the group that I will no longer be a CR Leader, and will not be working in Celebration Station with the elementary age kids or in The Landing with the teens. I explained that I have lost myself in service. I have been placing everything else in front of my recovery, and that my relationship with God has suffered. I need to reboot. I received lots of hugs and encouragement when the meeting was over. This morning I got an email from the Leadership thanking me for my service and wishing me well as I work on my personal journey. There are no hard feelings, only love and support. One of the things I have been neglecting is jo...

I love my messy, broken friends who know that I am messy and broken too. It hurts when my friends do messy, broken, stupid things. I know it hurts my friends when I do messy, broken, stupid things too. I'm honored that my friends feel safe enough with me to be honest when they do messy, broken, stupid things. I'm grateful that I am learning stop before speaking harmful words when my friends do messy, broken, stupid things. I can't ignore the stupid, messy, broken actions. I have to confront the stupid, messy, broken things my friends do, in a healthy, healing way. I want my friends to accept that their stupid, messy, broken actions hurt me. I think it is reasonable that my friends will have to work to regain my trust after hurting me with stupid, messy, broken behavior. I am willing do to my part in maintaining healthy, healing relationships with my messy, broken friends. I hope that my friends will do their part in maintaining healthy, healing relationships with me, a me...

I returned from Guatemala a week ago. The trip was amazing! We served 900 patients over five clinic days. All eleven of us contracted some sort of intestinal bug and no, we didn't drink the water. It is just one of those things that can happen when visiting the third world. Interestingly enough, I wasn't depressed while on the trip. There were times that I was lonely, sad, angry, tired, sick, nervous, or afraid, but most of the time I had a sense of peace and purpose. I missed my family immensely, and was ready to see them about half way through the nine day trip, but never felt depressed. Since coming home, I've been having a great deal of fibromyalgia pain, fatigue, and of course, there is that tummy issue and my period. Any of those alone can cause the dark cloud to come, so I guess it makes sense that I was down. Also, culture shock took its toll too. I am thankful that my lungs seem to be very happy, so breathing has not been a problem. I demanded very little...

So, here I sit, shaking, tweeking like a meth addict, but it isn't meth. It is albuterol. I thought I could climb into bed and trick myself into thinking I was breathing well enough to sleep. No such luck. I used my nebulizer then tried to sleep again. Nope. It is hard to drift off when my pulse is pounding out of my head, chest, limbs... At least my wheezing is a little better and my chest and back don't hurt as much. I guess Yardboy couldn't sleep either. He asked if I felt like cuddling. I declined, though I really would love to be held by him. I'm on edge, and I just don't think I can stand being touched right now. This has been a crazy couple of weeks, and all of the days are beginning to run together. My brain is in a fog. Tuesday afternoon I used my new nebulizer and albuterol. It worked for a couple of hours, then the wheezing came back. I decided to go to the ER. I arrived at the ER around 7:00 and immediately got a chest x-ray. Thankfully, the images of my...

Wednesday was miserable. Along with sinus and lung problems, I was miserable with twitching, restlessness, tingling limbs, headache, dizziness, and the sense that the room was trembling, even though it know it wasn't. At 8:30 I called my doctor about the symptoms, but the receptionist failed to report it to the nurse. The nurse called be back fairly quickly after I called again around 11:30. My afternoon was spent reporting symptoms and waiting for the nurse to relay the questions to my doc then call me back. In the first of three calls she made to me, she told me that the doctor didn't think my symptoms were related to my new med and asked if I wanted a neurology referral. After I made it clear that I was not going to take the med that I felt was making me sick ever again, she said she would call a different antibiotic in to my pharmacy. Yardboy was really helpful. Even though he had a full and stressful day, he took time off to pick up Tater and Little Man. I was in no shape ...

On one Friday night a month I work with the youth at The Landing. The Landing is Celebrate Recovery's new program for middle and high schoolers . It is basically the regular CR program translated to teen speak. I get something out of it every week, and the last time was no exception. One of the questions was about what it would feel like to have to rely on someone else to save my life. Most of the kids' (and adults') answers related to fear and anxiety. My answer was different. I remembered back to the birth of my first child. We knew she was in danger, so the nurses and doctors from Newborn Intensive Care Unit were in the delivery room ready to take her. As soon as she was born she was intubated and suctioned to make sure she hadn't and didn't inhale the meconium she had passed before birth. It was only after they finished working on her, that she took her first breath. An hour or two later, I noticed that my nurse (who happened to be my best friend) seem...

Lets get ready to ramble! I'm apologizing up front for the scattered nature of this post. :) My sponsor called me Saturday. She said that she is concerned about my recovery. She said that she wonders if I spend my time on good things when I could be spend my time on great things. Understandably, I'm a mom of three, so I am busy. She doesn't want to me to add anything new, but wants me to evaluate how I spend my time now. My assignment is to write, after thinking about it for a few days. So, it is two days later, and I've been thinking. Honestly, the phone call annoyed me. This assignment annoys me. I guess I don't want to confront my poor time management tendencies. I love my sponsor. She isn't afraid to give me annoying assignments. I look around me and it is painfully obvious that my family and I are pigs. Everyone here detests cleaning. Yardboy and I were raised by pack rats, so we weren't taught how to get rid of junk. I'm afraid that we...

I sat down tonight to blog about cloth diapers. Yes, we've made the switch to cloth,and yes, we like them. However, that isn't what I need to blog about tonight. I'll save the diaper talk for another post. Friday night I went to my parents church in my hometown to read my recovery story. This is no wimpy, skim the surface testimony. This is down and dirty, warts and all testimony. I even invited several friends who aren't in recovery. I stood in front of about 100 people and shared it all. If you've read my blog at all over the last few years, you know that struggle with anger, depression, codependency, and food addiction. But there is one thing I've kept private. I've never mentioned my biggest, toughest, darkest area of recovery. Friday night I openly spoke about it, so I might as well speak of it here too. YIKES! Here goes... I'm a SURVIVOR of childhood sexual abuse. Oh my goodness, I can't believe I said it. I'm feeling quite expose...

Wow, I've seriously neglected my blog this summer. Anyway, school is back in session now, so I better get back to typing. Here's a rundown of what We've been up to: The first couple weeks of summer I enrolled the kids in gymnastics, swim lessons, and Vacation Bible School. Baby Bee loved the water, as did Tater and Little Man. Hooray! Tater can finally swim! VBS was okay, but not a big thrill. We never even made it to gymnastics (over $80 wasted). We also spent a week at the beach with my family. The water, sand, and sky were amazing, but it was sweltering. We spent our days inside and went to the beach in the evenings. I even took the kids for their first roller skating trip. Can you believe that I didn't fall? On July 1 the real excitement began. Little Man got his middle finger on his right hand stuck in the bathroom door. He came out of the bathroom screaming and holding his hand. The soft tissue up to the first knuckle was gone and bone was sticking out. I found th...

I'm posting this where I can see it every day... on my fridge. Things to Consider • Do you struggle with overeating or constant dieting? • Have you been on a diet and lost all the weight, but need support not to go back to unhealthy behaviors? • Do you ever feel out of control and unable to stop eating? • Do you eat out of frustration, anger, or fear? • Does it seem impossible to eat only when you are hungry and stop when you are full? • Do you eat to feel comfort? The Problem • Throughout our lives many of us have turned to food to ease our pain or fear. • We felt comfort in eating and found ourselves turning to food whenever we were hurt, angry or frustrated. • Food became our comforter, our friend. • Some of us may have one certain food that we can not stop eating, or are unable to eat only in healthy amounts. • Some of us may have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused and use food to cope with the emotions of those events. • Some of us may have had healthy eating habi...

I made very few cakes last year due to my pregnancy. Well, I'm not pregnant any longer, so I have plenty of energy and no nausea. I'm back to baking. Here are the cakes I've made since having our precious Baby B. Spotlight Cake I made this cake for the Celebrate Recovery New Year's Eve party. Yes, it has a light in the center. It is supposed to be four spotlights shining into the middle, but I think most people didn't get it. Someone asked me if it was some sort of flag. Oh well. Mom's Ice Cream Cake Mom wanted an ice cream cake for her birthday. It was chocolate butter cake and vanilla ice cream with vanilla and chocolate buttercream. I learned a lot from my mistakes when I made this one. I ended up with ice cream all over my freezer because the ice cream expanded when I stuck it in the freezer to harden. Also, buttercream frosting is really hard to slice when frozen. The next time I make an ice cream cake I will use a very light cake and whipped cream icing...

These are the cakes I made for our Celebrate Recovery New Year's Eve Party. I couldn't find my camera, so I took these pics with my phone. This one was a butter cake with vanilla buttercream and chocolate buttercream frosting. Mmmmm . Butter is goooood . This one is chocolate with chocolate ganache filling. I had to cover it with vanilla buttercream because it was so chocolaty ! The friends, food, music, and dancing were great. We had a blast ringing in the new year!

Sunday night was the final lesson of my 26 week Step Study . I got a bronze medallion to commemorate the HARD work. Sometimes I can't believe how much healthier my spirit, mind, and body are. God is using Celebrate Recovery to change my life, my marriage and my family in amazing ways. Yes, I still struggle at times. I'm sure I always will. I am human, but now I have hope and the assurance that I am never alone. I am learning to allow God to direct my path. By the way, I started another Step Study. It should end in the Spring. I have so much more work to do. I've only begun to allow God to scratch the surface. I want to go much deeper. Here are just a few of the little saying, key words, concepts, or terms that I've learned at Celebrate Recovery. Some are new to me, some are old. Some are precious others are corny and trite. I love them. Progress, not perfection. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it, You're worth it. stinkin' thinkin' Large ...

PRAYER FOR SERENITY God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is; not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN - Reinhold Niebuhr - --------------------------- Breathing My friend posted this song on her blog. It touched me deeply. I have everything I ever wanted, but so often I feel like I'm just surviving, not thriving. Anything else would be more than I could handle. I know that those are the times when I should cry out to God, but even that seems more than I am capable of doing. Sometimes all I can do is hide behind my facade and keep breathing.

Hi, I'm a believer in Christ Jesus who is recovering from Codependency. My name is Curly. God has an interesting way of giving us what we need. I prayed for The Bulldog's heart to be softened. I don't know what God did to his heart, but he softened my heart. One night last week I sat down at the computer and typed out an apology. Here is a small portion of the apology: I feel I must make amends. Our conversation left me with a deep ache that isn’t going away. I’ve never been good at conveying my feelings gently. Sometimes my passion gets me in trouble. I tend to present the unvarnished truth, and it isn’t always received in the way I intend. I think you and I are very similar in that respect. I meant no harm, but my words must have seemed threatening. I am sorry. I simply wanted to share with you how God has been touching me, my family, and my friends. I wanted to share my joy with you. I did not intend to force anything on you or imply that you are doing anything wrong. Pl...

I'm still here, I just can't think of anything worthwhile to say. Instead, I share the words and music of others that have inspired me this week. Brandon Heath- I'm Not Who I Was Linkin Park- What I've Done

A little over a week ago I went to a Vacation Bible School Leadership meeting at church (I am the Preschool Crafts Director). We were served a very nice dinner of bread and olive oil, Caesar salad, chicken casserole, brownies, and tea. After dinner we served each other Holy Communion. I left the meeting feeling rejuvenated, but that is not the point of this post. Before the meeting I met with the Children's Minister and we discussed decorating the four preschool craft rooms. She said that we aren't allowed to hang anything from the ceiling, due to fire codes. That comment triggered a memory that I shared with her. In March 1982, my kindergarten year, our class made umbrellas cutouts from old wallpaper samples. I remember being amazed by the huge books full of florals, stripes, and plaids. I don't remember exactly what color I picked out, but I do remember that is was a hideous floral circa some time in the 1970's. I liked it! The teacher's aid (her name escapes me) ...

My Celebrate Recovery Sponsor came over for lunch yesterday. It was really nice to get to know her a little better. After lunch, I opened the pantry to put something away. This is what it looked like: I told my sponsor that my pantry was a metaphor for my life, or for me. My pantry held many really healthy foods, some that are good only in moderation, some things that are tasty, but harmful to my health, and some that are just plain rotten. This afternoon I showed the pantry to another friend in Recovery. After she went home, I cleaned and organized it. I even vacuumed and mopped the floor. In the past, I wouldn't have worried about the floor. Nobody else ever sees it and it is just going to have stuff piled on it again. Why bother? I bothered this afternoon because of the parallel I saw between the pantry and my recovery. I'm still working on Step Four, the Inventory. It has proven to be a much more difficult task than I thought it would be. I want to do a complete, honest inv...

Cheri, from Northwoods Ramblings , posted today on wallpaper removal. Yes, wallpaper, and her words are perfect for me. Last night at about 7 p.m., the last of the old wallpaper fell to the floor. Hours and hours of soaking and scraping were finally over. The wallpaper was every bit as difficult to take off as the wallpaper in the computer room was. The difficult job was made even more so due to the fact that when we last had the kitchen papered, we did not remove all of the backing from the previous wallpaper. 'Be sure, your sins will find you out.' Now that we are painting, not papering, it was important to do the job right. I never dreamed 16 years ago that I would regret not removing all the old backing. The old gummy paste was really hard to get off. It was a good reminder to not just cover over ugly attitudes of pride, selfishness, bitterness, and envy; but to completely confess and remove them. Otherwise they come back to haunt you when you least expect it. I'm worki...

And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32 (NLT) The footnote from this verse in The Life Recovery Bible says the following: To be "set free" is to know the truth--the truth about ourself and about Jesus our liberator. The truth is this: We are a slave to sin and powerless to manage our life effectively. With God's truth as a standard for our moral inventory, we can recognize and confess our needs and struggles, our sins and addiction. As we confess these to God, to ourself, and to at least one other person, we share the truth about our life. When we turn our broken life over to God, who alone can make us whole, we are again acknowledging the truth. These different applications of the truth can combine to set us free from sinful habits, chemical dependencies, and emotional bondage.