The Fuzzball Chronicles: the Life and Times of Curly Mommy

So, here I sit, shaking, tweeking like a meth addict, but it isn't meth. It is albuterol. I thought I could climb into bed and trick myself into thinking I was breathing well enough to sleep. No such luck. I used my nebulizer then tried to sleep again. Nope. It is hard to drift off when my pulse is pounding out of my head, chest, limbs... At least my wheezing is a little better and my chest and back don't hurt as much. I guess Yardboy couldn't sleep either. He asked if I felt like cuddling. I declined, though I really would love to be held by him. I'm on edge, and I just don't think I can stand being touched right now. This has been a crazy couple of weeks, and all of the days are beginning to run together. My brain is in a fog. Tuesday afternoon I used my new nebulizer and albuterol. It worked for a couple of hours, then the wheezing came back. I decided to go to the ER. I arrived at the ER around 7:00 and immediately got a chest x-ray. Thankfully, the images of my...

LMP: 1-21-08 That would make conception somewhere around 1-4-08, but that isn't possible. Conception happened on 2-10-08, or a few days later. By LMP , I am at 7 weeks, 5 days, but I know that date is screwy. Remember, I have crazy cycles. By the date that I believe I conceived, I am at 6 weeks, 6 days. Nausea and vomiting has been miserable this week. I've spent most of my time in bed (except when removing Silly Putty from hair and other essential tasks of motherhood). I have done a pretty fine job of shutting others out. I am supremely grouchy. My motto this week has been: Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone! Tuesday morning I was feeling a little less than terrible, so Little Man and I went into the pregnancy center where I volunteer. I had my friend and nurse manager do an ultrasound on me. We saw a great gestational sac and a pretty little round ...

I've been putting off writing this post. Is it codependency or just being sensitive to the feelings of others? I don't know. That fine line still confuses me. I am surrounded by friends that want to have babies, but for some reason or another, haven't been able to do so. It breaks my heart. I don't understand why it happens so easily for some, and not for others. We had a small taste of the bitterness of infertility when we worked to get pregnant with our daughter, Tater. When we began trying to have a second child, we had a miscarriage. Immediately after the miscarriage, we conceived our son, Little Man. We don't take the fact that we have two great kids for granted. We are truly grateful that our struggle was so short-lived, and that we didn't lose more pregnancies. Now for the big news: I am pregnant again, about six weeks along. Did we plan to get pregnant? Nope, but we are excited. I did four pregnancy tests, expecting each to be negative, but hoping for po...

Recently I completed training in limited obstetrical ultrasound at a local crisis pregnancy center. I volunteer on Monday mornings when my kids are in school. Scanning pregnant bellies is awesome! There aren't many things more amazing to see than the first flicker of a heartbeat or tiny hands and feet. I find it hilarious that almost every client comments on how big the baby's head is. Then, they blame the the baby's father, "He's got a big head, just like his daddy." Ha! However, things aren't always cheerful in the ultrasound room. I know from personal experience that it really sucks to be the woman on the table when the person performing an ultrasound says, "That's an empty uterus." It really, really sucks! Now I also know that it really, really sucks to be the person performing an ultrasound when an unborn baby's heartbeat can't be found. I realize long before the mother that the baby is not alive, but I have to keep silent until ...

My dad has a friend named John. Sadly, John's wife was murdered last week. I was taking a nap this afternoon and this is what I dreamed. My dad and John were going over a bunch of photos on the computer. The pictures were of John and his late wife, their family... Dad and John were trying to decide which photo to put in the newspaper. The purpose of the photo was to show the impact of her death on John's life. John stopped on a photo of the bed he shared with his wife. It was an ornate wrought iron bed with fluffy, feminine linens. I woke up. I stayed there in my bed, with a pillow covering my face, thinking about the empty bed in my dream. I don't know John, but I hurt for him anyway. This woman had friends, neighbors, a son, grandchildren... but all I could think about was her husband and that empty bed. I pictured him coming home to a quiet, dark house, all alone, saddened, and fatigued. He would desire warmth, comfort, and rest. However, the very sight of this beauti...

A very wise woman sent this prayer to me today in an email: Father, I lift to you all these people and situations and I forgive them for hurting me, rejecting me, never being present for me. I forgive them for making me feel so unloved, so alone, so guilty and causing me so much pain and for demanding too much from me. I forgive them for making me feel shamed, resentful, jealous, angry, (name emotions you feel). I ask also, Father that you forgive them for doing these things to me and I ask that you forgive me for holding a judgment against all of them. Father, I know you don't need forgiving but I forgive you for allowing me to be in these situations where I received so much pain. I ask now that you fill me with your love for these people and for the Lord Jesus Christ who I believe is your Son, who died for me, was resurrected for me and lives today for me. Please fill me with His love, peace, power, joy, forgiveness and new life in Him. Fill me with your Holy Spirit. In the Name ...

My dear friend K took care of Tater while we were in the OB/Gyn office. Yardboy and I were shaken, scared, and heartbroken. I can still hear the horrible words of the midwife that did my ultrasound, "That's an empty uterus, that's an empty uterus." She was so cold. I didn't get any pictures--it was too late. My body got rid of everything on its own. I was five or six weeks along when I miscarried, at least the time I knew about. I wonder if I've lost more pregnancies than that one. When I have cycles, they are very irregular and very far apart. I know I have issues with progesterone. That makes me wonder if those irregularities were miscarriages due to low hormone levels. I guess I will never know, at least not before I go to heaven. I had mixed feelings about my miscarriage. I was sad, of course. I felt like I lost a baby, but mostly I felt like I lost the potential of a baby. I even felt like I had no right to be sad. After all, it was still so early. The we...