The Fuzzball Chronicles: the Life and Times of Curly Mommy

I love my messy, broken friends who know that I am messy and broken too. It hurts when my friends do messy, broken, stupid things. I know it hurts my friends when I do messy, broken, stupid things too. I'm honored that my friends feel safe enough with me to be honest when they do messy, broken, stupid things. I'm grateful that I am learning stop before speaking harmful words when my friends do messy, broken, stupid things. I can't ignore the stupid, messy, broken actions. I have to confront the stupid, messy, broken things my friends do, in a healthy, healing way. I want my friends to accept that their stupid, messy, broken actions hurt me. I think it is reasonable that my friends will have to work to regain my trust after hurting me with stupid, messy, broken behavior. I am willing do to my part in maintaining healthy, healing relationships with my messy, broken friends. I hope that my friends will do their part in maintaining healthy, healing relationships with me, a me...

I've been putting off writing this post. Is it codependency or just being sensitive to the feelings of others? I don't know. That fine line still confuses me. I am surrounded by friends that want to have babies, but for some reason or another, haven't been able to do so. It breaks my heart. I don't understand why it happens so easily for some, and not for others. We had a small taste of the bitterness of infertility when we worked to get pregnant with our daughter, Tater. When we began trying to have a second child, we had a miscarriage. Immediately after the miscarriage, we conceived our son, Little Man. We don't take the fact that we have two great kids for granted. We are truly grateful that our struggle was so short-lived, and that we didn't lose more pregnancies. Now for the big news: I am pregnant again, about six weeks along. Did we plan to get pregnant? Nope, but we are excited. I did four pregnancy tests, expecting each to be negative, but hoping for po...

I know these thoughts are not healthy, But I have to give them a voice. If I don't acknowledge the pain, How can it ever get better? So, Here goes... Where are you? Are you ever coming back? I'm lonely. I miss my friend. I guess you are in survival mode now. The pain must be immense. I don't know. I assume. I didn't cause the pain, So why do you run from me when hurt? Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe I expected too much. I suppose you don't have the reserve to deal with my issues too. I must not be safe anymore. I don't want to add my insecurities to you burden, But I can't stand this silence!

Hi, I'm a believer in Christ Jesus who is recovering from Codependency. My name is Curly. God has an interesting way of giving us what we need. I prayed for The Bulldog's heart to be softened. I don't know what God did to his heart, but he softened my heart. One night last week I sat down at the computer and typed out an apology. Here is a small portion of the apology: I feel I must make amends. Our conversation left me with a deep ache that isn’t going away. I’ve never been good at conveying my feelings gently. Sometimes my passion gets me in trouble. I tend to present the unvarnished truth, and it isn’t always received in the way I intend. I think you and I are very similar in that respect. I meant no harm, but my words must have seemed threatening. I am sorry. I simply wanted to share with you how God has been touching me, my family, and my friends. I wanted to share my joy with you. I did not intend to force anything on you or imply that you are doing anything wrong. Pl...

The message was healing, hopeful, and peaceful, but I never even got to relay the good news. I was shot down immediately. I came into the territory peacefully. I soon learned that I was not welcome. The land was guarded by a fierce, angry, jealous Bulldog, bent on protecting what is his. He likes things the way they are. He dislikes change, unless it is his idea. He doesn't like people telling him how to run his territory. My good news was not threatening, but it was seen as an invasion. Now I'm wounded, and in pain. His cold, hard words cut me to the core. I guess that is what you get when you trespass on posted land. I'm not surprised. I was fully aware of the risk I was taking. However, I hoped for a better reception. I hoped that he would at least hear me out. In spite of the hurt, I don't regret my attempt. I was obedient. I don't know what God has planned, but I am praying.

Don't give up, but don't push too hard. Pushing too hard just leads to resentment. Did I push too hard? Should I push harder? Sometimes they seem to want my company. Other times they seem very uncomfortable around me. I'm confused. Should I stay or go? Trying to help. Trying to comfort. Trying to fix. Trying to do ANYTHING to make it better, to make the pain go away. When I try, I meet with resistance. They question my motives. Would I resist too? Yes. I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to be controlling. I don't want to be manipulated. I don't want to be manipulating. I want them to be well. I want them to be whole. I mirror the pain others feel. I feel their aches as if they were my own.

In the ending paragraph of my last post I said, "To the surprise of some, there are United Methodists that are running toward Jesus with all of their might. I am one and I am proud to know many others." I feel like a fraud! I struggle! I am so imperfect! I want to run toward Jesus with all of my might, but I often stumble. Sometimes I just walk in His general direction. Other times I purposely walk in the opposite direction. I am working on Recovery Step 3: "Turn my life and will over to the care of God." Principle 3 is: "Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ's care and control." All my life and will? Well, that would be running toward Jesus will all might, wouldn't it? That is what I want. I need God's help to run. This is the Principle 3 Prayer, changed a little to fit me: Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself, on my own power, and I have failed. Today I want to turn my life over to You. I ask You to be my Lord ...

Check out Pistol Pete's post entitled " The Revolting Church ." Then read what I have to say about our church. We attend a (dare I say it) United Methodist Church. Gasp! I am a child of the Jesus Movement, so the idea of joining the UMC seemed absurd. However, we absolutely love our church. On Friday nights we gather at our UMC for Celebrate Recovery with codependents, victims of abuse, drug, sex, food, and booze addicts... We are able to openly admit that we screw up. Then we accept each other's love and God's grace. Our CR group is one of the largest in the USA. On Sunday mornings, we attend a rocking worship service with many of the same people we meet with on Friday nights. Yardboy recently started playing the drums with the praise band. It is truly a "come as you are" place. We aren't an Emerging Church, but we are emerging from what is considered traditional. I grew up in a Five-Fold Apostolic Ministry, and tried many others Christian churche...

This has been a difficult post to write. I have tried at least four times, and the correct words just won't form. Is it because of my codependent nature? Am I afraid of disappointing the blogging homeschoolers? I think so. I guess I'll just make it as simple as it is. We will not be homeschooling next year. We will be sending our daughter, Tater, to a Christian school for kindergarten. I feel taking Tater out of preschool last fall was the right decision. I can't describe the satisfaction I feel knowing that I taught her so many of the things that she knows. It is wonderful to plan our days according to what we need or want to do, not the schedule of an institution. I enjoy spending these days with her so much... However, I feel that an enormous burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Yes, homeschooling her next year is a burden that I don't think I can bear. I really don't think I would be capable of giving my kids what they need next year if I had to homeschool....

YES! Do I obsess about hurting others' feelings? YES! Do I make things worse by trying to fix the codependent messes I make? YES! Do I make others' problems my own? YES! Do I fear letting new friends in? YES! Terrified! I want to have friends, but I am so afraid that I will screw thing up like I have in the past. I NEED to have HEALTHY friendships! This is what I read this morning: Proverbs 29:25 (Amplified Bible) The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever leans on, trusts in, and puts his confidence in the Lord is safe and set on high. Proverbs 29:25 (The Message) The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that. Proverbs 29:25 (New Living Translation) Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. I need to cling to HIM if I am going to have healthy friendships. I need to do what HE desires for me. Will the rest fall into place if I totally depend on HIM? Yes,I think so.

Last night I got a RED CHIP and another BLUE CHIP ! At Celebrate Recovery , I received a Red Chip to mark 30 days of abstaining from over-eating! Now, this is a really, really big thing. I have never intentionally lost weight. I have never been even slightly successful on a diet. I have tried South Beach, The Zone, Dr. Phil, Weight Watchers... The problem was this: I was relying on my own will power, which stinks (I wanted to say "sucks" but it really makes my dad cringe when I use that word, so I won't). Anyway, now I am seeking and relying on God's will. Cool concept, huh? God's will is so much better than mine. My will is fragile, fickle, selfish, impatient. God's will is perfect. I'm not saying that I have eaten perfectly in the last month. I am saying that I didn't go on any all-out binges. I did stop eating when I realized that I was eating too much. I am learning to analyze my thoughts when I head to the pantry and keep my behavior in check. ...

Okay, it is time for another post about Celebrate Recovery . It is interesting to me that I get very few comments when I discuss my "issues." Feel free to chime in. On Friday night I tried out the Codependent Small Group . Boy, did I ever fit in there! If you read some of my earlier posts, then you know just how much I let the troubles of others' drag me down. I take their troubles and make them my own. I try to help or fix the issues or fix the person (not that I have ever succeeded). I obsess about their problem to the point of dreaming about them and having physical symptoms of stress (nausea, abdominal pain, muscle pain, headaches). I get really depressed. I get anxious if I can't talk to my project person. Why won't they answer the stupid phone? What if they committed suicide? What if they are in the hospital? What if? What if? What if? I get angry if they don't fix the issue, if someone else continues to hurt them, if they won't seek help, or if they...

It seems that I draw hurting people to me. That doesn't bother me. Maybe that is why I became a nurse. I enjoy helping people. I like influence them in a good way and to see them get better. Internalizing their problems is not fine, and that is what I do. I take their problems on and make them my own. I really want to fix them. It just kills me not to be able to make it all better. I think about them constantly. No, maybe obsess is a better word. I obsess about my friends' pain. Then their problems invade my sleep. I wake up frequently in the night and instantly think of them. I even dream about their problems. Boy do I get up tired after a night like that. Sometimes I even need to take a sleeping pill to get a good night's sleep. When I internalize others' issues it is hard to keep the black cloud of depression and anxiety away. The obsessive thoughts, restless nights, anxiety and depression have now been joined by stomach pain. That is a miserable cycle. I think about...

Everybody knows about me. I really don't have many secrets. For the most part, I am an open book. I guess that is why It infuriates me to learn that some truth has been kept from me. I feel betrayed. I feel that I have a right to know. I feel lied to. Then I lose control and my words hurt the ones I love. "Why didn't you tell me?" "It hurts me that you kept this from me." "If you kept this from me, what else are you hiding?" "I don't know you." "Who are you?" Ugh! That's stupid! They finally confide in me and I put a guilt trip on them. Maybe I need to just expect secrets. Everybody has something to hide. Right? People keep secrets to protect themselves and the ones they love. I have to learn not to take it personally. It isn't about me. It is about keeping hurt, guilt, shame, and anger at bay. If any of you have shared a secret with me and I reacted badly, I am truly sorry. If any of you want to confide in me in the...