The Fuzzball Chronicles: the Life and Times of Curly Mommy

Become What You Believe

2012-01-13T10:06:00.002-05:00

So, I signed up for daily Bible readings to be sent to me via email. Part of my reading this morning was this:

Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith will it be done to you”; and their sight was restored. Matthew 9:29-30 NIV

A different version reads like this:

He touched their eyes and said, "Become what you believe." It happened. They saw. Matthew 9:29-30 The Message

I often struggle with what I believe. Lord, help my unbelief, so I can become what you want me to be.

Reboot

2012-01-12T13:54:00.001-05:00

Tuesday evening I went to my Celebrate Recovery Leaders' Meeting. The fellowship was refreshing, but I was more than a little nervous and preoccupied by what I planned to do at that meeting.

After the Ministry Leader spoke (a challenging and encouraging message) he opened the floor for questions and comments. After a while, I stood and announced to the group that I will no longer be a CR Leader, and will not be working in Celebration Station with the elementary age kids or in The Landing with the teens. I explained that I have lost myself in service. I have been placing everything else in front of my recovery, and that my relationship with God has suffered. I need to reboot. I received lots of hugs and encouragement when the meeting was over.

This morning I got an email from the Leadership thanking me for my service and wishing me well as I work on my personal journey. There are no hard feelings, only love and support.

One of the things I have been neglecting is journaling. I'm letting go of the notion that I have to journal complete descriptions of how I feel or what I experience. A few words will suffice. Journaling has to have priority in my day if I wish to remain on the right path.

Daily devotion is of great importance to my recovery. I check my email daily, so I have devotions sent to me there. I just have to quiet myself enough to read and soak in the message.

If I rely on my skewed view of the world, I am bound to get lost again. Regular time reading God's Word is essential, but I often go months without reading my Bible. I'm learning that establishing a routine for desired behaviors is necessary. I can utilize my computer to access BibleGateway every day, or I can arrive at my kids school early and use the extra time sitting in the car to read. If neither of those happen, I can break open my Bible after the kids go to bed, instead of wasting away in front of the television.

On Sunday, I made a commitment to work on weight loss. I have drastically cut out dairy and meat products. My diet now consists mostly of vegetables, fruits, and grains. I dusted off my old juicer and have a big glass of veggie and fruit juice between healthy meals. So far, it is working. I've lost three pounds, and other than the cold I caught from my kids, I'm feeling pretty good.

The devotion I read this morning was about fear. If I am fearful about something, I am not trusting God with that area of my life. Today I fear that I will lose momentum with eating healthy. I fear that I will gorge myself on hamburgers,fries, cheese (I love cheese), pizza, sweets, butter (mmmmm), pasta, white rice...

God, I don't want to live in fear. Please help me surrender my eating habits to you and your plan for my life. I want to serve you and walk the path you have prepared for me. Thank you for giving me the tools I need to live a healthy happy life. Help me to use those tools. Amen.

Messy Broken

2011-08-08T22:36:00.000-04:00

I love my messy, broken friends who know that I am messy and broken too.

It hurts when my friends do messy, broken, stupid things. I know it hurts my friends when I do messy, broken, stupid things too.

I'm honored that my friends feel safe enough with me to be honest when they do messy, broken, stupid things.

I'm grateful that I am learning stop before speaking harmful words when my friends do messy, broken, stupid things.

I can't ignore the stupid, messy, broken actions.

I have to confront the stupid, messy, broken things my friends do, in a healthy, healing way.

I want my friends to accept that their stupid, messy, broken actions hurt me.

I think it is reasonable that my friends will have to work to regain my trust after hurting me with stupid, messy, broken behavior.

I am willing do to my part in maintaining healthy, healing relationships with my messy, broken friends.

I hope that my friends will do their part in maintaining healthy, healing relationships with me, a messy, broken woman.

I pray that my friends will have the courage to confront me in healthy, healing ways when I do messy, broken, stupid things too.

I'm so thankful that my messy, broken friends and I are learning how to have healthy, healing friendships.

Terrible Two

2011-07-28T17:08:00.000-04:00

I had errands to take care of, so I told the kids to get their shoes on and go potty.

Then it began.

Baby Bee climbed Little Man's toy shelf and knocked over a box of Legos. Little Man yelled. She began to cry and morphed into a lump on the floor.

A few moments later, I was brushing Tater's hair and trying to explain the importance of brushing ALL of the hair, not just the the hair in the front.

Baby Bee walked into the room and started touching Tater's stuff. Tater yelled at her to get out. Again, she resembled a writhing blob on the floor.

Next, I attempted to gently brush and pull Baby Bee's hair up so it wouldn't be in her eyes. She screamed the entire time. When I finished, she hid under a pillow on her bed.

I opened the garage and told everyone to load up. Tater loaded. Little Man loaded. Baby Bee refused to move.

When I moved the pillow, I noticed that Baby Bee had removed and disposed of her ponytail holder. Her chin-length bangs covered her eyes and stuck to her wet face.

I buckled my screaming, kicking, shaggy toddler into her car seat straps and left the house.

The ride to the doctor's office was uneventful. I only needed to pick up a new box of allergy shots, and I knew we would only be there a few minutes. I thought things would be fine. Boy was I WRONG!

Upon arrival, I attempted to put Baby Bee's sandals on her feet. As soon as I got one on she would take the other one off. Finally, the shoes stayed on and I got her out of the car. She melted into a puddle in the parking lot and refused to get up.

Around this time, Little Man tattled on his big sister. Apparently, Tater said that I was mean.

It took about 10 minutes for Baby Bee to finally decide that she didn't want to be left in the parking lot and to realize that she had to do the walking herself.

I left my older two kids in the foyer with crying Baby Bee and signed in with the nurse. Then I sent the older two into the waiting room while I held my still angry toddler.

Baby Bee finally quietened enough for me to take her into the office. She wasn't happy, quiet, or still, but it was a little better.

When I walked into the waiting room, Tater and Little Man were fighting about a lost paper clip. Ugh!

The nurse kindly laughed and we joked about taking Valium and giving some Haldol to Baby Bee. She game me my new box of shots and we were on our way.

Once again, Baby Bee's meltdown heated up in the foyer. She refused to walk, so I walked out of the building without her. Of course, she ran after me, and I turned back to get her.

Just as I was walking back into the building I heard a woman yelling from the second story balcony of the foyer, "Who's child is this?!"

Some maintenance men (who had see everything) calmly explained to the woman that I was trying to teach my child.

As I picked up Baby Bee, the lady yelled at me, "This is a place of business...Take her out of here." Obviously, her business was very important to her.

I looked up at the obese, middle-aged, overly made-up woman and yelled back, "Get real. This is a pediatrician's office!"

I was almost in tears, but managed not cry as I headed to the car.

Baby Bee screamed as I put her in the car seat, complained that her straps were too tight, and kicked her shoes off again.

As we were leaving the parking lot, Baby Bee calmed down and asked if we could go out for ice cream.

I responded, "NO WAY!" and Baby Bee wailed again.

Oh, No!

2011-07-25T23:44:00.002-04:00

I'm checking out friends' blogs, but I don't have anything interesting to say tonight.

Yardboy just looked over my shoulder and said about me, "Oh, no! She's blogging! She must be pissed! Did I say that out loud?"

Funny Yardboy. :)

Thank You Notes

2011-07-19T22:56:00.003-04:00

A few days after returning from my mission trip (that was awesome) I had photo collage cards printed to use in thank you notes for my very generous supporters. Late last week, I purchased paper, envelopes, and printer ink and sat down to write my notes.

I don't know why, but I just can't figure out what to say. I'll type up something and erase it. My words don't communicate the gratefulness I have for God and my supporters. Now I just have to put in on paper. Words, please come to me!

So, I've been home from Guatemala since July 3. My guts finally decided to stop squirting, and then I got an unknown virus that kept me in bed for three days and made me feel like crap for another week, or so. I'm finally functional this week, but I can feel some sinus/lung trouble brewing. Ugh! This has to end!

On the up-side, I'm not able to eat much without feeling crummy, so I'm not overeating. :) Maybe I can use this opportunity to train my mind and body to make healthier choices.

God, thank you that I'm feeling better. Continue to heal my mind, body, and spirit. Give me the words to show my supporters how much I appreciate them.

Dreamer

2011-07-10T15:09:00.004-04:00

I returned from Guatemala a week ago. The trip was amazing! We served 900 patients over five clinic days. All eleven of us contracted some sort of intestinal bug and no, we didn't drink the water. It is just one of those things that can happen when visiting the third world.

Interestingly enough, I wasn't depressed while on the trip. There were times that I was lonely, sad, angry, tired, sick, nervous, or afraid, but most of the time I had a sense of peace and purpose. I missed my family immensely, and was ready to see them about half way through the nine day trip, but never felt depressed.

Since coming home, I've been having a great deal of fibromyalgia pain, fatigue, and of course, there is that tummy issue and my period. Any of those alone can cause the dark cloud to come, so I guess it makes sense that I was down. Also, culture shock took its toll too. I am thankful that my lungs seem to be very happy, so breathing has not been a problem.

I demanded very little of myself and kids this week. We stayed up late, slept even later, and lazied around the house. I managed to take the kids to the library on Thursday and that was an accomplishment!

Taking the kids to the library on Thursday was good, but I really enjoyed Friday morning. I was wasting away on the computer when a dear friend messaged me. We chatted for a few minutes, then she asked if I could watch her kids while she visited another friend in need. I agreed.

I believe it was good for everyone. The kids had a blast playing sardines (reverse hid and seek)and I loaded the dishwasher, fed the kids, and mopped my kitchen floor. Midst all of the kid noise, I realized that I was happiest I had been since being home from Guatemala. For the most part, I wasn't directly interacting with the kids (except for occasionally instructing them to not hide in the laundry pile), but I was content knowing that my friend was able to help someone else because her kids were with me.

My friend picked up her kids just as I was ready to take my two older kids to gymnastics and dance class. During class, my little one and I went grocery shopping. Somehow, I had loads of time left over after the shopping trip. I decided to go to Dairy Queen for snacks before picking up the kids. BIG MISTAKE!

I ordered three strawberry sundaes for the kids, and a banana split for myself. Really, all I wanted was a banana and a scoop of ice cream, but that isn't on the menu. In case you didn't know, a banana split from DQ is HUGE. Yes, I knew when I ordered it that it was too much. When I started eating it I knew it was too much. Half-way through eating it I knew that I was already too full. I finished the thing and was miserable. I tried to reason that at least the banana was healthy. Ha!

Why do I do that?! I know what is right. I don't want to do what is wrong. But I do it anyway...every single time. Sound familiar (Romans 7)?

This morning at church the sermon was about Joseph and how he was a dreamer (Genesis 37). He dreamed fantastic, unrealistic dreams, and they came true. As he spoke, I looked down at the colorful, handmade Guatemalan skirt I was wearing. I remembered the woman who made and sold it to me. Then I thought of how she and her mother commented on the size of my belly in Spanish when they were showing me how to wear the skirt. I don't like being fat.

The pastor challenged us to dream like him and trust that God can make those dreams come true. Here it is--I'm dreaming that God will use me to serve others, thus lifting me from my pit of depression, and that he will heal me of my addiction to overeating, thus lifting me from my pit of obesity, guilt, and shame.

So, I find myself again at Step Two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13

So Tired--Can't Sleep

2011-06-20T00:47:00.000-04:00

After a long, busy Father's Day with my husband, dad, and father-in-law, I am tired. It is a good tired, and I enjoyed our family day.

A little while ago, I took all of my allergy and asthma meds, helped Yardboy clean the clothes off of our bed, set the alarm, checked on the kids, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put my jammies on, rubbed lotion on my feet, kissed Yardboy goodnight, and donned my auto pap mask.

The mask wasn't sealing right, so it made a whistling noise every time I inhaled. My left arm was going to sleep, my right hip hurt, Yardboy was snoring, my eyes would not stay shut, and my mind was racing.

I quietly removed my stupid mask and got out of bed.

One of the thoughts racing through my brain was about how I have a counseling session tomorrow night and I haven't journaled once since my last meeting weeks ago. I don't mind journaling. I even like it, once I get started. I just can't get started. There is always something more important, or interesting to do. Sometimes I'm just too worn out to do it.

Another thought was about my ballooning waistline. My fat clothes are getting too small. I'm going to get blood drawn tomorrow morning to check my thyroid function. Part of me hopes it is abnormal. An abnormal result would relieve me of the personal responsibility for my weight. Then I could take a pill and make it all better. Blah, blah, blah.

I have a gym membership. The gym is about a mile from my house and the monthly fees are dirt cheap. The place is brand new with nice equipment. Once again, I like working out there, once I get started. I just can't get started. There is always something more important, or interesting to do. Sometimes I'm just too worn out to go.

The third thing I was thinking about was my upcoming medical trip to Guatemala. We were commissioned at church today and I leave on Saturday. I'm super excited and amazed how God had provided my funds so quickly! I was offered the opportunity to go on the trip a little over a week ago, so it has been go, go, go ever since.

My checked bag is already packed with 72 cloth diapers, vitamins, health teaching materials in Spanish and English, silly string, bubbles, enough Tylenol to kill a horse, lolly pops, plastic medicine bottles, stethoscopes, syringes, hiking shoes...

Yardboy will be caring for our kids while I am gone. What a wonderful husband and dad! He even gets to take them to the dentist. Hee hee.

The last thing that raced though my little brain was the strengths and weaknesses of my kids. They are all very smart, but as usual, mothering is sweet sorrow. I hope and pray that we are parenting our kids in a way that will yield healthy, responsible, kind, God fearing adults. I pray for my spawn constantly, as it would suck to be the mother of a serial killer, or the like.

Well, I guess I got it all out. My eyes don't want to remain open. I want to sleep, but I really don't want to fight with my stupid mask. I think I'll ditch the machine and use my oral appliance for sleep apnea instead. It is less effective, but I just can't bear the thought of that mask right now.

Blah 4

2011-04-10T00:16:00.008-04:00

So, here I sit, shaking, tweeking like a meth addict, but it isn't meth. It is albuterol. I thought I could climb into bed and trick myself into thinking I was breathing well enough to sleep. No such luck. I used my nebulizer then tried to sleep again. Nope. It is hard to drift off when my pulse is pounding out of my head, chest, limbs... At least my wheezing is a little better and my chest and back don't hurt as much.

I guess Yardboy couldn't sleep either. He asked if I felt like cuddling. I declined, though I really would love to be held by him. I'm on edge, and I just don't think I can stand being touched right now.

This has been a crazy couple of weeks, and all of the days are beginning to run together. My brain is in a fog.

Tuesday afternoon I used my new nebulizer and albuterol. It worked for a couple of hours, then the wheezing came back. I decided to go to the ER.

I arrived at the ER around 7:00 and immediately got a chest x-ray. Thankfully, the images of my lungs were clear (they always are). I saw a very jerky ER doctor. I learned a valuable lesson. Don't expect to be taken seriously about an exacerbation of a chronic problem in the ER. He actually laughed when I explained that I had sinobronchitis. He said there was no such thing and it wasn't a "real" diagnosis. Then he gave me a long speech about how antibiotics don't work on sinus infections. I wasn't there to have him magically cure my longstanding sinus problems. I wanted help breathing. I left the ER after receiving IV steroids and two breathing treatments. I decided I could just as easily use my own nebulizer. I got to sleep around 3:00 am. What a long night.

I stayed in bed most of the day Wednesday and Yardboy stayed with me. He needed the rest almost as much as I did, since he stayed up most of the time I was as the hospital. I called my primary doc, the pulmonologist, and the ENT to tell them that I had been seen in the ER. Both offices gave me Friday appointments.

I spent Thursday in my big comfy living room chair. Since I couldn't do much of anything else, I decided to do my Continuing Education work for my nursing license renewal. I have to submit 24 hours of CE's by the end of the month, so the timing worked out fine. I got about half of it done on Thursday. Hooray for the internet!

For the last year, Yardboy and I have been trying to figure out what we can do to reduce the number of allergy triggers in our home. I got pillow covers and mattress covers, took the curtains out of my bedroom, bought a hepa-filter vacuum, use hepa-air filters, and even gave away our beloved kitty.

Since we can't afford to replace the carpet right now, we had the carpet cleaned Friday. It was a big undertaking to get all of our junk off of the floors, and Yardboy did most of that himself, since I don't have the energy or breath to do anything other than sit these days.

My mom drove over to pick up Baby B for the weekend. I miss that little monkey, but it has been good to rest and not have to chase a toddler. My older two kids have also been really great. I don't know, maybe Yardboy threatened them or something. I'm so grateful for all of them.

For my Friday appointment, my pulmo wasn't in the office, so saw a capable, but aloof ARNP. Again my chest x-ray was clear, but my lungs sounded really junky. I put on a good show for her with all kinds of gross lung noises. After consulting with one of the other Pulmos, she upped my dose of Advair, added Spiriva, told me to continue taking the horse-dose of oral prednisone for two more weeks, then get blood work done, and return in three weeks. She didn't say for sure, but thinks there is some kind of immune/infalmmation problem. DUH! So, more waiting, and more drugs, for now.

Later, the ENT was very nice. After we talked, he reviewed my sinus CT and scoped my sinuses (which triggered more wheezing). Then he offered to do sinus surgery to get all of the gunk. Wow! I didn't really expect that. I'm going to get another opinion from Shands before I let anyone do surgery on my face.

After a nap, I made it to Celebrate Recovery. I felt like crap and honestly admitted it those who asked how I was doing. I shaked through dinner, sat silently during worship, listened to a friend who needed to talk during Large Group, and was prayed for by friends during Solid Rock.

I'm really working on not isolating myself, as I tend to do when I am sick or hurting. I feel very whiny, but everyone has been very kind. Being open about how I'm doing is helping to keep my head above water.

Yesterday was my birthday. So many people wished me well on Facebook, and a few called too. Yardboy made brunch and picked some dark pink heirloom roses from our yard for me. Little Man and I made a trip to Wal-Mart where I bought a new coffee pot, saline spray, a rug to go under Yardboy's drums (which now live in our dinning room). As s treats for myself, I got my eyebrows waxed and bought Big Bang Theory Season One (hilarious). Little Man got a remote control car for himself with his own money.

After a nebulizer treatment, a short, shaky nap, and a bath, we went to some friends' home for pizza. We stopped by the grocery store and picked up key lime pie and mango key lime pie. Mmmm. I felt like trash the whole time we were there, but figured I may as well be among friends and feel bad, that be home alone and feel bad. Though all I did was sit, it was good to get out of my head and laugh, if only a little.

Baby B will be back today. I'm praying to have the energy and breath to give her what she needs. Right now it looks like we will be sitting in the living room watching lots of cartoons this week.

On Monday, I'll go have an imaging study done to see if I have food and drink getting into my sinuses.

Time to try again at sleep. Hopefully my lungs agree.

Blah 3

2011-04-05T08:17:00.004-04:00

So, I called the Pulmonologist around 8:30 yesterday morning, in hopes of a same-day appointment. No such luck. The receptionist offered me a May 1 appointment and left a message for the nurse to call me back. At 10:20 I hadn't heard back from the nurse, so I called back. I was offered the same appointment and was told I could leave another message. I decided not to wait on the call and made an appointment with my primary doc.

When I got to my primary, the nurse immediately gave me a breathing treatment which made a big difference in how I was feeling. I explained that I had been to Urgent Care the night before, that my pulmonologist couldn't see me, and that I needed a stronger prednisone script than the one prescribed at Urgent Care. My doctor ordered a test to check for laringopharangeal reflux (food and drink refluxing into the sinuses), wrote a script for 18 days worth of prednisone (ugh!), and ordered a home nebulizer. It seems that my doctor is really starting to listen to me and is trying to put the puzzle pieces together.

When my visit was over, I got all of my records (almost 300 pages) and then got a cd with the images from my head CT from last week. The CT images are really cool!

After picking up the kids from school, I stopped by the drug store and got my horse-dose of prednisone and albuterol that goes in the nebulizer.

I did finally hear back from the pulmonology nurse at 5:15 pm. I'm afraid I was not very nice when she called. She didn't even check her messages until office hours were over. She offered me an appointment with the ARNP for later in the week, but I declined. I'm so glad I called my primary instead of trusting her to call me back.

Today I need to make a call regarding the nebulizer. I hope I can get it today. Friday I'll go to the ENT and then I'll go to the test for reflux on Monday. It will be a few weeks before I hear from Shands.

I think I go do a sinus saline rinse and take some more prednisone now.

Blah 2

2011-04-01T08:11:00.010-04:00

Wednesday was miserable. Along with sinus and lung problems, I was miserable with twitching, restlessness, tingling limbs, headache, dizziness, and the sense that the room was trembling, even though it know it wasn't. At 8:30 I called my doctor about the symptoms, but the receptionist failed to report it to the nurse. The nurse called be back fairly quickly after I called again around 11:30. My afternoon was spent reporting symptoms and waiting for the nurse to relay the questions to my doc then call me back. In the first of three calls she made to me, she told me that the doctor didn't think my symptoms were related to my new med and asked if I wanted a neurology referral. After I made it clear that I was not going to take the med that I felt was making me sick ever again, she said she would call a different antibiotic in to my pharmacy.

Yardboy was really helpful. Even though he had a full and stressful day, he took time off to pick up Tater and Little Man. I was in no shape for driving. Around 6:00 that evening, Yardboy stopped by the drug store to get my new med, but they had no record of it being called in.

That was the last straw! I managed to hold off the tears until after the kids were in bed. It is so frustrating to have something wrong, have excellent insurance, and still not get the help needed. I cried while Yardboy listened and then I called my brother, Cabbage Head, a third year medical student, to see if he had any ideas. He got to hear me cry too.

After talking to my guys, I had a plan. I decided to get ALL of my records from ALL of my specialists and take them to my primary doc. I planned to share my frustrations with him and ask him to review my records and try to put the puzzle pieces together.

I called my doctor for an appointment first thing Thursday morning and then set out to get as many of my records in hand as possible. Before arriving at the appointment, I managed to get my pulmonology and emergency room records. I also requested my urgent care records, but I was told that it takes three to five days to get those.

I didn't get a warm reception from my doctor's LPN. She is usually very bubbly and friendly, but seemed really agitated to have to deal with me again. However, my doc was kind. He spent an hour and twenty minutes with me, while I poured tears of frustration. Poor guy. I'm sure I didn't make his day great.

There was very little resolution to my concerns, but he did listen to me, and seemed to genuinely care. He personally sent my new prescription to the pharmacy andmade yet another referral. This time he referred me to Shands.

The problem lies in our medical system. General Practitioners can't afford to take phone calls, because they can't bill for them. GP's also don't make enough to hire a RN to triage calls for them either. So, they end up having a Medical Assistant or LPN play messenger. The GP is often the only one in the office that has enough clinical knowledge to actually understand and help. He can't deligate any decision making. He has to do it all himself.

Oddly enough, in all of my calls, my nurse never offered an appointment with my doc. I guess I should have specifically asked for an appointment instead of saying, "What do I need to do?" Next time I'll skip the nurse and just make an office visit. It seems like a total waste of resources, but I guess that is what it takes to get my questions answered.

Toddlers engage in parallel play. They will play side by side, doing the same activity, but not actually communicating or playing WITH each other. I feel that is what my primary doc and specialist are doing. They do their little parts and send in reports (sometimes, if they aren't afraid of HIPPA) to the primary doc. Then, the primary doc sometimes reads the reports. They never actually have conversations. I believe that my doctors could figure out a solution if they could all sit down together and talk it out. My doctor said that just never happens. Are they all overgrown toddlers?

On Friday, my mom came over to spend the day with me. We went to a bookstore, to lunch, and back home. She watched Baby B while I napped and even cleaned my kitchen. It was wonderful to be cared for. I love my mama.

I made it to Celebrate Recovery and actually lasted until 9:45, or so. I enjoyed hearing Johnny Baker's pre-recorded testimony. Small Group was good and talking with friends at Solid Rock was even better. When I coughed, people looked at me with fear and disgust. Admittedly, it does sound pretty horrible.

I spent most of the weekend piddling around the house. On Saturday, we watched Legends of the Guardians (great movie) with the kids, then I took a long nap. Yardboy and I took the curtains out of our bedroom, washed all of the bed linens, put away winter clothes, and loaded the back of my car with clothes to donate. I ran out of steam and breath when all of that was done, so I sat on the couch for the rest of the day. Around 8:30 pm (still in my Sponge Bob pj pants) I went to the gas station near our house to return Legends of the Guardians and pick up Inception (maybe I dreamed that part). I'm still wondering about the ending...

Sunday morning was almost as relaxed as Saturday morning. I made almond butter cinnamon toast and the kids gobbled it up. Yardboy headed to church to drum for the 11:00 service while the kids and I headed to Wal-Mart. We got allergen pillow covers for my bed, organic veggie seeds, one of those up-side-down tomato planters, and a pizza to take home and bake for lunch. The kids were whiny and fought the whole time we were in the store. Grrr.

After lunch, I took a much-needed nap and we got ready to go to our church's new 5:00 pm service. Yardboy had to drum at it too. I really like the idea of going in the evening rather than in the morning!

When we were at church, I realized just how sick I was. I tried to sing, but just didn't have the breath. I used my rescue inhaler four times in two hours (yes, that was more than I'm supposed to take). I made it through the service (which was beautiful and will be the subject of a later post) and asked Yardboy to get the kids from Sunday School.

Once we got loaded up, I told Yardboy that I needed to go to urgent care to get a breathing treatment. We picked up dinner at Wendy's and headed home. After dinner I drove to urgent care.

My oxygen saturation was great at 98-99%, but I was doing a lot of wheezing. The ARNP ordered a nebulizer treatment and wrote a prescription for oral prednisone. She said to go to the emergency room if my symptoms got bad again. Two and a half hours later I returned home, breathing a lot better, but still not great.

I slept reasonably well and called my pulmonologist as soon as his office opened this morning. I'm still waiting for a call back from his nurse. I asked for an appointment. We will see if they give me one. I think I'll call my primary doc and make an appointment for this afternoon, just in case.

If I'm up to it today, I plan to go grocery shopping and drop by my allergist's office to order Tater's shots and discuss my shots (I can't take them when I'm wheezing and have fallen behind).

Keep me in your prayers.

Blah

2011-03-30T09:15:00.008-04:00

Blah. I feel like trash. I'm in the middle of another episode of sinobronchitis. Another episode? Yes, I think it is about the tenth time since December '09, but really I've lost count. I've made multiple visits to my primary doctor, allergist, pulmonologist, ear-nose-throat specialist, and gastroenterologist. I've taken so many rounds of antibiotics and corticosteroids, that I've lost count on that too. Sometimes the meds work, but I often end up calling my doctors back to get something different. The problems always return within a few weeks. Yesterday, after a week of antibiotics that seemed to be helping, I called my primary doc to report that my symptoms had returned. He ordred a head CT and changed my antibiotic. I began the new antibiotic last night and it is making me feel really crummy. Now, in addition to sinobronchitis, I'm having neurologic side effects from my medicine. I called my doctor's office this morning to report my side effects. Now I am waiting for a call from the nurse. Until then, Baby B and I will be sitting home watching cartoons.

Powerless

2011-02-02T08:32:00.003-05:00

On one Friday night a month I work with the youth at The Landing. The Landing is Celebrate Recovery's new program for middle and high schoolers. It is basically the regular CR program translated to teen speak. I get something out of it every week, and the last time was no exception.

One of the questions was about what it would feel like to have to rely on someone else to save my life. Most of the kids' (and adults') answers related to fear and anxiety. My answer was different.

I remembered back to the birth of my first child. We knew she was in danger, so the nurses and doctors from Newborn Intensive Care Unit were in the delivery room ready to take her. As soon as she was born she was intubated and suctioned to make sure she hadn't and didn't inhale the meconium she had passed before birth. It was only after they finished working on her, that she took her first breath.

An hour or two later, I noticed that my nurse (who happened to be my best friend) seemed to be concerned with how much I was bleeding. No amount of massaging my uterus would make the bleeding stop. My obstetrician had to intervene.

I had no control and wasn't able to help in any way, so I had to rely on others to save our lives. Sounds pretty terrifying, right? It wasn't. I had a strange peace about all of it. I truly trusted that our caregivers had the willingness, skills, and tools to give us what we needed. In the end, we both survived, with no ill effects.

Sitting there with the youth Friday night, I had a breakthrough. I finally understand what powerlessness is. Now, I need to let go of my illusion of control. I am powerless. Just as a drowning victim has to stop flailing in order for a life guard to save them, I have to stop flailing and trust that God has the willingness, skills, and tools to save me.

Powerlessness is a good thing.

Does anybody blog anymore?

2011-01-03T16:48:00.003-05:00

Wow! It has been over a year since I posted anything. Blame Facebook, I guess.

I visited some of the blogs I used to enjoy only to see that they too haven't been touched in some time. Oh well. I guess lives change and the need for getting things out online changes too.

The kids are 8, 5, and 2. Yardboy is working the same job that he worked before. I'm still enjoying being an at-home mom. Life is good.

Glory to God!

2009-12-25T22:41:00.003-05:00

“Glory to God in highest heaven,
and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”

Luke 2:14

Merry Christmas!

Thistle Farms

2009-11-15T21:40:00.006-05:00

This morning an Episcopal priest named Becca Stevens came to our church and spoke about about two amazing ministries, Thistle Farms and Magdalene.

She quoted her book, Find Your Way Home: Words from the Street, Wisdom from the Heart:

The thistle blooms in streets and alleys where women walk and sleep.

We spend a lot of time considering the thistle --
it's rough exterior,
its soft and regal center,
and its capacity to break through concrete to blossom.

In a world that names weeds,
we taste the riches of thistles and savor their beauty.

We are thistle farmers.
The world is our farm, and we harvest where other people
do not want to travel.

I was going to attempt to describe Thistle Farms and Magdalene on my own, but I'm sure they say it much better:

Thistle Farms is a non-profit business run by women who have survived lives of violence, prostitution, and abuse. Thistle Farms products are hand-made by the very women they benefit. All proceeds go back into Thistle Farms and the residential program, Magdalene, where the women live in community for 2 years. Into every product goes the belief that love is the strongest force for change in the world.

One Year Old

2009-11-07T23:38:00.004-05:00

Can you believe it? My baby girl is a year old!

Look at those cute little (sharp) teeth!

We celebrated Baby Bee's special day with a pumpkin carving party.

This spider was carved by a third grader. Impressive!

We learned that jack-o-lanterns don't do well in wet 80 degree weather. They didn't make it to Halloween. Yuck!

This is the chocolate pumpkin smash cake I made for Baby Bee.

I made one just like it for my dad. His birthday was the next day.

Chocolate and coffee cake with milk chocolate ganache and buttercream frosting.

The pumpkins are covered with chocolate poured fondant.

The sweetest little pumpkin, ever.

Check it out.

2009-10-28T17:47:00.002-04:00

You gotta read what my friend wrote a few days ago.
Check it out: Voice in the Chasm

Spend my time

2009-10-05T23:19:00.003-04:00

Lets get ready to ramble! I'm apologizing up front for the scattered nature of this post. :)

My sponsor called me Saturday. She said that she is concerned about my recovery. She said that she wonders if I spend my time on good things when I could be spend my time on great things. Understandably, I'm a mom of three, so I am busy. She doesn't want to me to add anything new, but wants me to evaluate how I spend my time now. My assignment is to write, after thinking about it for a few days.

So, it is two days later, and I've been thinking. Honestly, the phone call annoyed me. This assignment annoys me. I guess I don't want to confront my poor time management tendencies. I love my sponsor. She isn't afraid to give me annoying assignments.

I look around me and it is painfully obvious that my family and I are pigs. Everyone here detests cleaning. Yardboy and I were raised by pack rats, so we weren't taught how to get rid of junk. I'm afraid that we are passing that trait on to our poor kids.

Another trait I got from my parents is creativity. I get an idea in my head and I have to make it. Over the past three months I've designed and made a sling and dressing cover for Little Man, sandwich wrappers, cloth diapers, and a harness for use in restaurant high chairs or shopping carts. Today I purchased fake pumpkins and tonight I carved them to use as decorations for Baby Bee's first birthday party. This Thursday I'll be heading to my Step Study. I'm bringing my beads, so anyone that wants to can make a Serenity Prayer bracelet. Of course, I still make my cakes too.

Okay, yes. I know I spend too much time on the computer. I'm on the computer now. Does this count? I check email at least twice daily and I do Facebook, blogs, and general surfing too. Also, I edit photos and do some online shopping. I know that I will always check my email, so I have my daily devotional emailed to me. I like to read the same passage in several versions, so most of my bible reading at biblegateway.com. When I get worn out (or bored) I often sit down at the computer and get stuck here for much longer than I intended. Today I got stuck looking at pumpkin decorations--such cute ideas.

I tend to get overwhelmed with the state of my home and just give up. I don't know where to start. Several months ago, my friend Crickey helped me out so much with organizing and getting rid of excess stuff. I learned a lot from her, and I'm doing better, but it is still a struggle.

When I get overwhelmed like this, I look for an escape. Here are some ways I like to escape: computer, television, bath, crafts, cooking, baking, shopping, meeting with friends, talking on the phone, texting, sleep, eating, and spending time with my family.

Serving others brings me joy and purpose. I'm involved in Celebrate Recovery leadership, Celebration Station (CR children's ministry), decoration/setup for our church service on Sunday morning, Moms in Touch International, and Kidstuf (quarterly family production). Of course, I'm also the 24 hour concierge for my kids and husband.

I have to be careful not to over commit myself. I'm learning to say no. I'm no longer in a MOPS group, I declined a bible study at Little Man's school. I no longer do the shopping for CR dinners. I don't volunteer at Sunday School. I dropped out of the food ministry for sick congregation members. I quit La Leche League. I'm planning to give back the serger I borrowed since I don't need to spend all my time and money on sewing. I rarely read for pleasure (although I like reading).

Okay, there are some other things I else guess I'm hiding from--my Step Four Inventory and exercise. Actually, I'm nearly done with my inventory. I can probably finish in just a few hours. I'm not afraid of finishing it or exercising. It just seems that so much else is more pressing. Yes, tonight the stupid, cute pumpkins for my baby were more important than my Moral Inventory and exercise. Sunday night straightening the living room and doing laundry were more important. Saturday night sewing diapers was more important. Two weeks ago, writing my testimony was more important. Not that I profess the things to be more important, but my actions prove that they were more important.

With all of that said, I don't exactly know what I will do now. Maybe I should make myself a daily schedule. We will see. Hmmmm. I guess I should also pray about this. Duh.

Survivor

2009-09-27T20:47:00.002-04:00

I sat down tonight to blog about cloth diapers. Yes, we've made the switch to cloth,and yes, we like them.

However, that isn't what I need to blog about tonight. I'll save the diaper talk for another post.

Friday night I went to my parents church in my hometown to read my recovery story. This is no wimpy, skim the surface testimony. This is down and dirty, warts and all testimony. I even invited several friends who aren't in recovery. I stood in front of about 100 people and shared it all.

If you've read my blog at all over the last few years, you know that struggle with anger, depression, codependency, and food addiction. But there is one thing I've kept private. I've never mentioned my biggest, toughest, darkest area of recovery. Friday night I openly spoke about it, so I might as well speak of it here too.

YIKES! Here goes... I'm a SURVIVOR of childhood sexual abuse. Oh my goodness, I can't believe I said it. I'm feeling quite exposed right now. I really want to talk about cloth diapers.

Please, no sympathy comments. I survived and I'm working through it with God's help. Three years ago, this secret was crippling, but it isn't anymore. I guess I'm putting this out there just in case someone else needs encouragement.

Healing is possible! Freedom is possible! I'm celebrating recovery from childhood sexual abuse, and other survivors can too!

End of Summer Summary

2009-09-08T13:13:00.009-04:00

Wow, I've seriously neglected my blog this summer. Anyway, school is back in session now, so I better get back to typing. Here's a rundown of what We've been up to:

The first couple weeks of summer I enrolled the kids in gymnastics, swim lessons, and Vacation Bible School. Baby Bee loved the water, as did Tater and Little Man. Hooray! Tater can finally swim! VBS was okay, but not a big thrill. We never even made it to gymnastics (over $80 wasted).

We also spent a week at the beach with my family. The water, sand, and sky were amazing, but it was sweltering. We spent our days inside and went to the beach in the evenings. I even took the kids for their first roller skating trip. Can you believe that I didn't fall?

On July 1 the real excitement began. Little Man got his middle finger on his right hand stuck in the bathroom door. He came out of the bathroom screaming and holding his hand. The soft tissue up to the first knuckle was gone and bone was sticking out. I found the amputated portion sitting on the door hinge.

After a 911 call, a ride to the hospital in the ambulance, morphine, emergency plastic surgery, and a night on the pediatric floor, we got go home. Little Man's hand was wrapped up for four weeks and then he had his second surgery. A week after that, the bandages came off for good. I must say, his finger looks better than I expected. It will always be a little funky, but it really isn't that noticeable. I am so grateful!

On July 31, Yardboy went to Nicaragua for a mission trip. He played the drums in several worship concerts and helped in a free medical clinic. Apparently, they really think highly of drummers in Nicaragua. Everyone that went on the trip jokes about my Yardboy being a rock star. How funny! Yardboy came home on August 8. We were all so happy to have him safely home again. It will be my turn to do a similar trip next year!

School started back a couple of weeks ago. Tater is in the 2nd grade, and Little Man is in K4, five mornings a week. They both really enjoy school. I'm so glad they like it, especially since I absolutely hated school.

Baby Bee is amazing! Now at 10 months old (gasp) she is into everything. Right now she is under my computer desk reeking havoc on old papers. She uses several baby signs including: bye bye, all done, where did it go, milk, and more. She is growing normally and sleeps all night long (insert angelic voices here).

I started a new Celebrate Recovery Step Study a couple months ago. I'm struggling with my compulsion to overeat, so I'm really focusing on my relationship with food this time. I'm currently working on Step Four. Also, I'm writing my testimony. I'm scheduled to read it aloud for a large group on September 25. Oh my goodness! Prayers please!

I had a fantastic Labor Day weekend with my family and now we are all really dragging. We had lunch with my extended family, and dinner with Yardboy's parents on Saturday. We camped in the back yard with the kids Sunday night. Yesterday we went to a theme park an hour and a half away and had a blast. It was tough to get everyone out of the house this morning. Tonight we will be going to bed early.

That was my summer. I'm looking forward to autumn, my favorite season of all.

Jackpot and Battery

2009-06-09T16:29:00.003-04:00

Groom's cake for Scott and Michele's wedding.

Scott is a soccer coach that loves Texas hold 'em.

Our nephew graduated from high school. I made this car battery cake and covered it with marshmallow fondant.

He is going to be an auto mechanic, so I thought a car part was fitting.

My Frienemy

2009-04-30T21:09:00.005-04:00

Sun-tzu said, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

I guess keeping an enemy close is a good idea if you are strong enough to thwart their attacks.

I'm not strong enough. I keep losing battle, after battle, after battle.

Who is my best friend? Food.

Who is my worst enemy? Food.

I am a foodie. I love to cook, and eat, and experience food. The anticipation, smell, taste, appearance, texture, chewing, swallowing, and feeling of fullness all bring me considerable pleasure. I use it to celebrate, draw closer to loved ones, show affection, and accept affection.

Food is my safe, always-there-for-me cure-all. I medicate myself with it when I'm sad, hurting, bored, angry, tired, and lonely.

I don't stop eating when I've had enough. After overeating, guilt and regret hang over me. I want to say that I won't overeat again, but I know saying that is useless. I can't control my tendency to eat too much!

I wish I could run far away from my "frienemy" and never look back. That strategy seems to work well for drug and alcohol addicts, but not for me. My drug of choice is food--something I can't survive without. I sometimes feel that it must be easier to recover from chemical dependency, but I know it probably isn't. I stupidly wish my addiction was something else--something less unfair. Ha! How crazy is that?

I recently heard someone in recovery speak about "being on autopilot." I can't remember who said it or the context. The word kept ringing in my ears. Then, I realized that I overeat when I am on autopilot. Often, a little voice inside says that I should stop, but my irrational autopilot overrides that thought.

It happened last night, today at lunch, and again this afternoon. Too much food was available. I knew that I should stop, but I couldn't, or wouldn't. I'm not sure which.

Of course, there are times when I know that I am hungry because of the usual signs of stomach growling, weakness, shaking, irritability... Those hunger cues scare me. So often when I get hungry I lose control.

Last Sunday we ate lunch really late. I know my blood sugar was low because I was shaking and covered in sweat. I ate all of my super healthy lunch. NOT! It was fried fish, fries, hush puppies, cole slaw, and sweet tea. I was still shaking after eating that, so I also ate my son's leftovers. Blah. That was way too much food. I felt crappy afterward.

Around 11:00 am today I felt my blood sugar crash in the middle of an errand. I stopped at a fast food restaurant and got a large order of chicken strips, fries, and sweet tea. I ate it all, even though I was full about half way through my meal. Damn, stinking autopilot!

This afternoon, my son asked me to make him some popcorn. Since I was not hungry, I planned not to eat any. I found myself returning to the popcorn pot again and again, cramming hand-fulls of popcorn into my mouth. What the heck? I wasn't hungry, but couldn't stop.

I did great at dinner tonight! I didn't eat too much! My husband cleared the table and put the leftovers away, so I did not have a chance to pick at them. I really focused on avoiding autopilot.

The kids are in bed now. My husband is reading. The house is quiet. I really, really want a snack! Is it okay to have a small snack? Some yogurt or something? I honestly don't know. Am I hungry? Maybe. Yes, I think so or is this an attack of my frienemy?

My Happy Birthday!

2009-04-08T22:08:00.004-04:00

Yes, The Shots Are Working!

2009-03-16T23:26:00.006-04:00

Halloween 2007

Little Man loved his "Pumpkin Boy" costume.

February 2009
Little Man still loves to be "Pumpkin Boy."

Kick me if I ever complain about him outgrowing his clothes!

Still Struggling--Food Addiction

2009-03-14T00:21:00.004-04:00

I'm posting this where I can see it every day... on my fridge.

Things to Consider
• Do you struggle with overeating or constant dieting?
• Have you been on a diet and lost all the weight, but need support not to go back to unhealthy behaviors?
• Do you ever feel out of control and unable to stop eating?
• Do you eat out of frustration, anger, or fear?
• Does it seem impossible to eat only when you are hungry and stop when you are full?
• Do you eat to feel comfort?
The Problem
• Throughout our lives many of us have turned to food to ease our pain or fear.
• We felt comfort in eating and found ourselves turning to food whenever we were hurt, angry or frustrated.
• Food became our comforter, our friend.
• Some of us may have one certain food that we can not stop eating, or are unable to eat only in healthy amounts.
• Some of us may have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused and use food to cope with the emotions of those events.
• Some of us may have had healthy eating habits as children or young adults, but at some point in our lives we chose to overeat and lost the ability to discern when we were physically hungry or when we were physically full.
• Some of us may have turned to food after obtaining sobriety in other areas.
• We thought food was "safe,not realizing it could become our "drug of choice".
• We have focused on our body image instead of our health.
• Many of us have tried various diet programs, exercising, medications or many other ways of trying to control our eating habits.
• We have failed over and over and are left feeling guilty, incapable and unlovable.
• We have given in to the idea that there is one perfect diet or pill out there that can save us, if only we could find it.
• Some of us believe that thin people do not struggle with food addiction. We have also failed to recognize food as our "drug of choice".
• As a result of our food addiction we feel out of control and may struggle with many other areas of our lives.
• Some of us have low self esteem which may affect our motivation, and our relationship with God and others.
The Solution
• We came to realize that we could not control our addiction to food and that we are powerless.
• We understand that our problems are emotional and spiritual.
• We have become ready to face our denial and accept the truth about our lives and our food addiction.
• We are ready to accept responsibility for our actions and make Jesus the Lord of our lives.
• We are dedicated to learning about healthy eating.
• We are committed to learning the difference between physical and emotional hunger.
• We are willing to turn to God when we are not physically hungry.
• We will begin to view food as fuel for our body so that we will not eat unless we are physically hungry and stop when we are physically full.
• We are willing to begin the process of recovery and working through the 12 steps to heal ourselves, and start living the life God has planned for us.
• We are willing to find a sponsor and accountability partners.
• We realize our group provides a safe place to share our fears, hurt or anger and also is a place to rejoice in victories.
• We have become willing to face our character defects and work through these feelings in our group.
• We are willing to take the focus off of food and focus on God.
• We recognize that recovery from food addiction is not about our body image or what foods we eat, but it is about trusting God and having an intimate relationship with Him.
• We are willing to believe and trust in God's love for us, and to see ourselves as He sees us.
• We are willing to seek a closer relationship with God.
• By facing our fears we have realized that Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are what we need to overcome them.
• As we surrender our food addiction to God, we will come to know that He is all we need.
• We will continue to seek a daily quiet time with God and will rely on the Holy Spirit as our source of comfort. We will be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
• We will use the tools of recovery: calling our accountability partners, journaling and reading the Bible.

From a Celebrate Recovery pamphlet on food addiction

2009-03-04T17:30:00.002-05:00

I've been reading blogs while nursing Baby Bee. Several of them reminded me of this verse, so I thought I would share it:

Hebrews 12:1-3 (New Century Version)
Follow Jesus' Example
1 We are surrounded by a great cloud of people whose lives tell us what faith means. So let us run the race that is before us and never give up. We should remove from our lives anything that would get in the way and the sin that so easily holds us back. 2 Let us look only to Jesus, the One who began our faith and who makes it perfect. He suffered death on the cross. But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him. And now he is sitting at the right side of God's throne. 3 Think about Jesus' example. He held on while wicked people were doing evil things to him. So do not get tired and stop trying.

2009-02-26T19:32:00.008-05:00

I made very few cakes last year due to my pregnancy. Well, I'm not pregnant any longer, so I have plenty of energy and no nausea. I'm back to baking. Here are the cakes I've made since having our precious Baby B.

Spotlight Cake I made this cake for the Celebrate Recovery New Year's Eve party. Yes, it has a light in the center. It is supposed to be four spotlights shining into the middle, but I think most people didn't get it. Someone asked me if it was some sort of flag. Oh well. Mom's Ice Cream Cake
Mom wanted an ice cream cake for her birthday. It was chocolate butter cake and vanilla ice cream with vanilla and chocolate buttercream. I learned a lot from my mistakes when I made this one. I ended up with ice cream all over my freezer because the ice cream expanded when I stuck it in the freezer to harden. Also, buttercream frosting is really hard to slice when frozen. The next time I make an ice cream cake I will use a very light cake and whipped cream icing. That should be easier to cut and eat frozen.
Sam's First BirthdayThis was my first attempt at marshmallow fondant. I love the stuff! It tastes so much better and is easier to work with than regular fondant. This cake was very time consuming, but so much fun. It took me back to my modeling clay days as a kid. The giant "1" is covering a big mistake. I tried to write with some junk I bought from the store. It made a huge mess. I will not be buying that stuff again. Maybe that is why I rarely see writing on fondant cakes. Hmmm.

Yardboy's Girl Scout Birthday Cakes

Tater is a Daisy Scout, and yes, "we" are selling lots of cookies.

Yardboy loves Samoas, so here is my tribute to the cookie. It is a butter cake with chopped up Samoas in the batter. I covered the whole thing in caramel, then stuck toasted coconut all over it. Finally, I drizzled semi-sweet chocolate over it.

Thin Mints are Yardboy's all-time favorite. So, I baked chocolate butter cake with chopped up thin mints in the batter. I filled the layers with dark chocolate mint ganache and frosted it with frosting made from the ganache. Decadent!

Baptism

2009-02-15T22:30:00.012-05:00

Matthew 28:18-20 (The Message)
Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."

Our kids were baptized today!

Photo opportunity with our Pastor.

Little Man really wanted to sit with Daddy while he played the drums. He sat very still through the entire worship service. I wasn't the only one that was amazed!

Per my request, the band played Agnus Dei. I love that song!

Tater, Baby B, and me.

Reciting our vows to raise our kids in Christ.

Cool!

Tater was happy to go first.

That feels so funny!

Baby B didn't cry.

The baptism was beautiful! I am so happy that we were surrounded by family, friends, and church family on this special day!

Thank you, God!

Just a couple of cute things my kids did...

2009-02-11T23:26:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, the kids were in the backyard playing. After a little while, Tater ran in to talk to me. She was disturbed by something Little Man was playing.
Outraged, she said, "He is pretending to be Jesus!"
Just a moment later, Little Man came in crying, "She won't let me be Jesus!"
Tater was deeply offended that he would dare to imitate her Jesus.
All Little Man knew was that his big sister wouldn't let him pretend to be the ultimate hero.
Since each of them had the most honorable intentions, I tried to help them see each other's point of view. I didn't succeed and finally had to separate them.
They both really love Jesus, but couldn't help offending each other. I just had to laugh.

***

This afternoon I was changing Baby B's diaper. Little Man came in and saw the white diaper rash ointment on her bottom and in her diaper. He asked, "Did she eat marshmallows?" Ha!

***

Pray for Wisdom

2009-01-14T21:06:00.006-05:00

Someone dear to me said, "Wisdom, pray for wisdom."

I started searching, and this is what I found:

Isaiah 11
A Green Shoot from Jesse's Stump
A green Shoot will sprout from Jesse's stump,
from his roots a budding Branch.
The life-giving Spirit of God will hover over him,
the Spirit that brings wisdom and understanding,
The Spirit that gives direction and builds strength,
the Spirit that instills knowledge and Fear-of-God.
Fear-of-God
will be all his joy and delight.
He won't judge by appearances,
won't decide on the basis of hearsay.
He'll judge the needy by what is right,
render decisions on earth's poor with justice.
His words will bring everyone to awed attention.
A mere breath from his lips will topple the wicked.
Each morning he'll pull on sturdy work clothes and boots,
and build righteousness and faithfulness in the land.

In this passage Isaiah is speaking of Jesus, the Messiah. The same Spirit that gave Jesus wisdom, now resides in those who accept the amazing gift of grace. How amazing!

Sunday Afternoon

2008-12-28T16:33:00.011-05:00

When we got home from church this afternoon, I took the kids into the back yard to snap a few pics of their color-coordinated outfits.

Aunt Sleigh gave this jumper set to Tater for Christmas. Little Man's boots came from Grandma. How cute!

Baby B wasn't feelin' the photo shoot.

"It's alright, my little sister."

Put a plug in it.

A relative calm...

is replaced by more screaming and an end to the photo session.

**************

Later this afternoon...

Little Man "did time" for cutting his hair.
He seemed remorseful.

Maybe he just didn't want to be in time out. That haircut was less than a week old.

Merry Christmas to all!

2008-12-23T09:21:00.002-05:00

Little Man loves that baby.

Tater is singing, "Its all right, my baby sister."

It sure was tough to get them out of the snow globe. :)

Baby B at four weeks old.

We all love that sweet baby!

Wow! Everyone is looking in the same direction and standing still, at least for a few seconds.

Could it be pride?

2008-12-08T15:30:00.014-05:00

Yardboy and I suffer from CHAOS Syndrome (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). Our home is usually too messy for us to feel comfortable having anyone but close family and very close friends over. I'm sure We've lost friends due to our unwillingness to invite them into our home. So often, it is just too embarrassing.

We allowed my parents and brother to help clean our home when things were really tough (new babies, illnesses, broken legs). Other than those times, we just attempt to clean and organize by ourselves. Yardboy and I both inherited the pack rat gene from our mothers, so we don't usually have great success.

Over the years, a few friends and family have offered to help me clean and declutter. I have always declined the offers. I didn't want to trouble them. I really thought it was a good thing that I wouldn't let people help with my mess. I thought it would be selfish to ask someone else to deal with my problem.

Now I realize just how dumb that sounds. I'm not being thoughtful. I am trying to protect myself from embarrassment. How prideful!

I was totally overwhelmed when I wrote the previous entry. I felt like my mess was closing in on me. Shortly after I posted it, I received an email from Crickey. She offered to help me clean and declutter. She has offered to help me many times before, but I never allowed it. This time I agreed because I was at the end of my rope. I guess this is an example of God's perfect timing.

Crickey drove over 60 miles to get to my house Saturday morning. She had a free day and could have been scrapbooking, but she chose to help me dig through my junk.

When she arrived, the dinning room was not usable. It had been that way for at least six months. It was clean and clutter-free by lunchtime, so we ate at the dinning room table! After lunch, we tackled Tater and Little Man's room. I got rid of so many old toys! She even cleaned the kids' bathroom while I nursed the baby. Yep. Can you believe I let her scrub the toilet? I should have taken before and after pictures. The difference is amazing!

Along the way, Crickey gave organizing suggestions. She had some really good ideas that we are trying to implement.

My mom also drove over 60 miles to pick up Tater and Little Man. They stayed at her house overnight and had a great time. Crickey and I could not have done all that we did if the kids had been around.

If someone happens to ring my doorbell this evening, they would still find a messy house. However, I know that it is a work in progress. It will get better because I am beginning to swallow my pride, or rather, relinquish my pride to God and accept the help He has provided.

Note to Crickey: Thank you so much for continuing to offer help even though I declined so many times. Also, I don't expect you to help me with my entire house. That would be selfish of me. I'm hoping that a little of your clean and neat gene can be transferred to us and our home.

Today

2008-12-01T12:50:00.007-05:00

We went to visit family over Thanksgiving and they were a huge help with the kids.

Now we are back home trying to do it all by ourselves.

Last night Baby B cried for three hours, then slept for four hours straight.

I didn't get four hours of sleep. I don't know how many times I woke up to make sure she was still breathing. Yep, she still breathes funny.

Little Man had an axillary temperature of 103.5 degrees last night. I don't know how many times I woke up to care for him (Tylenol, Motrin, tepid bath).

Today Tater is at school and Yardboy is at work.

The house is a massive mess!

Baby B and I smell like sour milk because she has been puking constantly today.

Little Man is supposed to be napping, but isn't. I think he is afraid of what I might do if he asks to get out of bed again. I can hear him talking and banging the headboard.

Christmas is three weeks away, and we haven't even begun to shop, or decorate, or plan or... The fall decorations are still on the front porch.

I have to pick up Tater in one hour, so I need to change out of my smelly pajamas now.

UPDATE: One week later.

Little Man had a fever for 6 days but is much better now.

I finished all of the Christmas shopping for the kids this morning.

Crickey helped us clean and organize on Saturday. Mom kept the kids while Crickey was here. Hooray for Crickey and Mom!

Reflux medication is helping Baby B spit up less frequently. She seems so much more comfortable. She is sleeping better, so I am sleeping better.

Baby Pics

2008-11-19T20:30:00.001-05:00

I'm sure I'll blog about Baby B's birth when I have a little more free time. For now, I'll just say that the delivery was very easy and my baby girl is healthy. Thank you Lord!

She is here!

2008-11-09T15:25:00.011-05:00

After a short and easy labor, I delivered a healthy baby girl on Wednesday, October 29, 2008 at 6:07 pm.

Weight: 7 pounds 1 ounce

Length: 17.9 inches

Snaggle Puss

2008-10-27T21:59:00.020-04:00

Until this morning, Tater was one of the few first graders at her school that still had all of her baby teeth.

Six weeks ago, I realized that a big tooth was coming in behind the baby teeth and that the baby teeth weren't very loose. The next morning, we went to the dentist for x-rays. The dentist gave her six weeks to pull the teeth on her own. She was instructed to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

For weeks, she tried to wiggle the teeth, as did Yardboy and I. She ate apples, carrots, and anything else known to loosen teeth. It moved a little, but not nearly enough.

Today was her return visit to the dentist. In just a few minutes, she emerged from the back with a piece of gauze in her mouth and drooling profusely. The dentist pulled two teeth instead of just one.

Tater was so brave! She said that is felt funny, but didn't really hurt. You can see the gigantic tooth behind the gap where the two teeth used to be.

After the appointment, I took my drooly girl to the mall. We sat in the massage chairs, shopped for a toy and a baby shower gift, and ate lunch. She said, "This is the best day ever." In spite of having teeth extracted, we really enjoyed our girls morning out.

I didn't know that the gums were bruised until after taking this picture.

We saw Tater's principal this evening at a restaurant. She told Tater that the Tooth Fairy would bring her more money than most kids get since she had to have it pulled by the dentist. I've spent $200 on these teeth already, and now I have to pay inflated Tooth Fairy rates too! Tater was so tired this evening that she forgot to put her teeth under her pillow. I guess the Tooth Fairy will have to visit tomorrow.

Tater will return to the dentist in December for a cleaning and checkup. I expect to schedule more extractions then. She will begin orthodontics soon too.

Urban Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-25T22:14:00.012-04:00

The kids have been begging to go to the "pumpkin patch" for almost a month now. It is located at a church less than a mile from our house and we pass it several times a day. I put it off until all of us could go together. Today was the day! We told the kids that we had a surprise for them and headed off. They squealed with delight when we pulled into the parking lot. I wonder if they realize that pumpkins grow on a vine in a field, rather than in a church yard.

Little Man chose the perfect little pumpkin.

Tater carried this little pumpkin around like a baby doll.

Little Man kept hiding from the camera. I finally caught him.

"Boo!"

Tight squeeze for my big belly.

I love these guys!

I think they love me too.

Beautiful green-eyed princess.

The princess and her knight in shining armor.

The princess and the very pregnant (38 weeks, 5 days) queen mum.

Cheese!

Saturday Afternoon Baby Shower

2008-10-19T16:22:00.026-04:00

Pocohontas and several other friends got together to have a baby shower for me yesterday. We didn't really have a theme, and we didn't play games. We simply relaxed, ate some really good food, talked, and laughed a lot. It was wonderfully low key--just what a girl needs when she feels like she is about to explode.

Pocohontas wrote in my baby book as I opened the gifts. In this picture, I was just about to open the gift the W brought.

After a while, I remembered to ask my mom to take a picture of the food table. As you can see, we had already attacked the food. The Cheesecake was fantastic!

Mom and me. I'm so glad she was able to attend!

Poor little Flit wasn't feeling well, but he was just as sweet as always.

Pocohontas's niece and Tater provided the "entertainment."

Look at Tater's fingernails. Before the shower, Mom took Tater, and me to a nail salon. Mom and I had pedicures while Tater got her fingernails and toenails painted. It was a really nice treat. Thanks, Mom!

The lady to my right is K. She made this amazing quilt for the baby.
Visit her at The Quilting Patch.

Meeko, Pocohontas's oldest, had to join the dancing fun!

The flowers were a nice touch. They are now sitting on top of my entertainment center.

I guess someone might wonder what Little Man and Yardboy were up to during the shower. They had a great time boating on the river with Papa and Uncle Cabbagehead.

This was a wonderful day filled with family and friends.Thanks, everyone, for making me feel so special and loved.

Sunday Afternoon Baby Shower

2008-10-14T09:55:00.016-04:00

Sunday afternoon, my friends M and S had a baby shower for me.

This is my friend S.

This is my friend M.

We started with food. Mmmmm. Everything tasted great!

Then, we played games. I discovered that I have a talent for remembering nursery rhymes. Who knew? I wasn't so great at singing lullabies, or pricing baby items, but playing was fun.

After games, I got to open the presents! Such precious little things.

When we finished the gifts, we cut this cute cake. M made it. I was impressed that she made her own fondant. You can't tell from this picture, but the bed was held up by four cupcakes. Nothing supported the center. Oh, and it tasted great! Chocolate with chocolate frosting. Yummm.

Ladies, thank you for everything!

35 Weeks 5 Days

2008-10-04T21:54:00.003-04:00

Little Man wanted to take a picture just like Mommy. What a cute tummy!

35 Week Visit

2008-10-03T15:58:00.003-04:00

I saw my midwife today. She noted something like this about me.

32 year-old gravid female

35 weeks gestation

G4, P2, T2, A1, L2

Patient states that she is tired and tired of being pregnant, and that she feels 100 months pregnant.

Patient complains of intermittent mild contractions upon exertion and during periods of rest.

Fundal height: 37 cm (last week it was 34 cm)

Dilation: 0 cm

Effacement: 50%

Station: -2

After my exam, my midwife told me to get out and enjoy the beautiful weekend AND to take it easy.

We are going to a wedding tomorrow. Now I must go to my closet to see if I have a dress that fits.

Worship

2008-09-28T19:53:00.000-04:00

Brutally Honest

2008-09-20T22:00:00.004-04:00

Yardboy and I met T and her husband about 12 years ago. They would do just about anything for us, as we would for them. T is like a sister to me. We even argue like sisters. Yardboy and T's husband get along very well. T's children and our children love each other too. Ahhhh, friends.

I got a call from T this evening. She had a favor to ask. T said she needed someone "brutally honest" and that I was the most "brutally honest" person she knew.

I must admit, I consider honesty to be one of my best and worst qualities. I am learning to speak the truth in love. I think I do a better job of keeping my mouth shut than I did 12 years ago. Nevertheless, she did call the right person.

What does she want me to do?

She and her husband want me to smell their new house to determine if it smells like cat urine. They figured I would know what feline pee smells like since I have a cat.

I couldn't stop laughing! Of course, I'd love to so the sniff test on the new home. What a unique opportunity to help out a friend. :)

We are going over to the new house after church tomorrow. T is going to feed us lunch and all I have to do is determine if the place reeks of kitty tinkle. That sounds like a deal to me!

Results later...

Okay, it is a week later.

We went to my friends' home and there was a scent, but it wasn't bad, and it wasn't cat urine. We were thinking it might smell like a bird. We may never know.

Hair Spit

2008-09-12T23:33:00.002-04:00

I LOVE this video!

Private Parts

2008-09-09T10:00:00.004-04:00

Little Man was just watching Playhouse Disney when a short clip about cows and milk came on.

Shocked, Little Man came over to me and exclaimed, "Mommy, people were touching that cow's private parts!"

I explained to him that they were milking the cow and it was okay.

He looked confused.

He repeated, "They were touching the cow's private parts!"

I told him that those were the cow's boobies and that is how the farmers get the milk out. I wish I had a picture of him at that instant. The disgusted look was priceless.

His next comment was, "That's yucky! The milk was coming out of the cow's private parts!"

I wonder what he will say this afternoon when I offer him a cup of milk. Breastfeeding the new baby should be interesting too. We will see...

First Day of Pre K

2008-09-03T13:59:00.004-04:00

Little Man started preschool today. He loved it last year, and I think he will enjoy it again this year too.

I had clothes picked out for him, but he didn't like what I chose. He picked these out all by himself.
He loves this huge backpack. Diego is the best!
"A mosquito-spider bit my finger." I checked it out and couldn't see anything. He was fine just a minute later.

31 weeks and all is well.

2008-09-02T21:20:00.001-04:00

Summer Classes for Men

2008-08-22T10:19:00.007-04:00

My friend sent this to me in an email. I just have to share it:

Summer Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Friday, August 17th 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat

and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places

And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming

Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost

Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

On-line Classes and role-playing

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion--Relaxation Exercises,

Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries

and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

First Day of the First Grade

2008-08-18T08:45:00.005-04:00

Tater is going to a brand new school today. I don't mean just new to her--the school is new. Today is the opening day of our community's most recent charter school, Imagine School. She is so excited to be a big first-grader.Tater loves her new uniforms. We will see what she thinks of them after wearing them day, after day, after day.

Little Man at Three

2008-08-13T23:05:00.002-04:00

Pregnancy Update

2008-07-20T22:07:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I will begin my 25th week of pregnancy and things are going just fine. I am feeling great most of the time. The minor discomforts of the second trimester are so much easier to tolerate than the nausea of the first trimester.

This baby seems to move more than my other two did. She is now big enough that others can easily feel her move when they place a hand on my belly. Sometimes, she moves so vigorously that I can see my belly move.

I can eat what I want, in large quantities. But, I'm beginning to have heartburn. Soon, I will have to be more careful about what I eat and how much I eat. Zantac will become my best friend.

I stay inside most of the day to avoid the heat. Today the high temperature was 97 degrees. However, the heat is not as bad as I expected it to be. I was comfortable in church this morning, but the pregnant lady in front of me seemed like she was about to melt. She is six weeks further along, so I wonder if her intense heat intolerance is personal difference, or because she is closer to delivery.

Thank God, I am able to stay at home with my kids instead of working away from home. I get to take a nap with Little Man every afternoon. Naps make a huge difference!

That is all for now. Boring, I know, but boring is good in pregnancy. I can do without excitement.

Another Pin Cushion Kid

2008-07-16T09:41:00.014-04:00

Ever since Tater was an infant, we have been visiting dermatologists for her eczema. I think we have seen four different dermatologists. Some of the treatments helped, and some didn't help at all. Nothing cured. The rashes always came back, worse than before.

In the last week, Tater went to the doctor four times. The first time was for an allergic reaction which made her eyes swell terribly. Two of the visits were follow-up to the first visit. Yesterday we went to the allergist for testing.

The allergy test wasn't too bad. She said it hurt, but she didn't cry. Her pulmonary function test went great. She does not have asthma.

The cat and I are very pleased that Tater isn't allergic to him. He was in danger of losing his home, but is safe now.

She isn't allergic to dust mites or mold. The doctor laughed when he told me not to clean my house. We don't have to remove our nasty carpet, or cover the pillows and mattresses. He said not to change anything in the house. The dust mites are happy. They were in danger of losing their home, just as the cat was.

The tests showed that Tater is severely allergic to grass pollen and moderately allergic to tree pollen along with a few other mild allergies.

We have a very long growing season where we live. There are only about two months a year when the grass and trees don't produce pollen. Maybe we should move to the North Pole. Ummm, maybe not.

The allergist thinks that if we don't treat Tater, she will develop more severe allergies and asthma. If family history serves a a predictor, then he is right. My parents, brother, and I all have histories of allergies and asthma. We have all taken allergy shots.

The treatment plan for Tater is a little overwhelming. Last night I left the pharmacy with oral antihistamine, nasal spray, moderate strength steroid cream, antibiotic cream, and lotion for after baths. I already had Elidel, strong strength steroid ointment, oatmeal bath, soap-free cleanser, hypo-allergenic shampoo, sunscreen for sensitive skin, and another antihistamine.

We begin shots next week. Since I am a nurse, the doctor will allow me to administer them at home. Doing the shots in the office would have cost us a $25 co-pay per visit. Thanks, nursing school.

For the first month, I will have to give Tater one shot a day. Eventually, she will only need one shot a month, but it will take a while to get there. We expect her to need shots for a minimum of five years. Tater is not happy about getting shots!

Tater's allergies and Little Man's IGFD aren't major medical problems. Things could be so much worse. My children are otherwise very healthy. They can be treated and we have good insurance to help pay for treatment. However, I can't help feeling bad for them and guilty that I passed these problems on to them. I can't believe that both of my kids need shots. I wonder what the baby's health will be like.

You Put A Light Bright Peg Where?

2008-07-08T10:05:00.007-04:00

Last night, around 9:15, when my kids were supposed to be asleep, I heard horrible screaming coming from the bedroom.

I went into the bedroom and saw Tater touching Little Man's face. Little Man was the one screaming. I quickly told them both to get back in bed and leave each other alone.

That is when Tater told me that she saw Little Man shove a Light Bright peg up his nose and that it wouldn't come out.

I took my son to the living room and grabbed a flash light. I thought I could see a green peg way up there, so I grabbed the tweezers. All the tweezers did was cause more screaming and pushed the peg further into his nose.

Yardboy got out a bulb syringe and tried to suck the thing out. It didn't work. Screaming resumed.

As long as we weren't touching his nose, Little Man's only complaint was that he couldn't breathe. We decided to leave it alone and call for advice.

I immediately thought of calling my parents. Dad was a paramedic for many years and Mom is a school nurse. Surely they would have experience in this area. They didn't answer the house line or either cell phone. Don't they know that they are supposed to be on 24 hour call?

I called my brother, the medical student. He is a smart guy, but he didn't have any ideas. He didn't know were our parents were either. Don't they know that they are supposed to let us know where they are at all times?

I called our HMO's Urgent Care facility and the nurse told me that they had seen their last patient of the evening. I needed to take him to the hospital's Urgent Care Center.

Tater was very worried about Little Man having to go to the hospital. We tried to assure her that kids do this all the time. Our words did little to calm her anxiety. She needed cuddles from Daddy.

Little Man talked non-stop all the way to the Urgent Care, about a 10 minute trip. It seems very strange to take such a chipper child to the hospital.

As I began filling out the paper work at Urgent Care, Little Man's eyes got watery and red. Then he began sneezing. After the fourth sneeze, the little RED Light Bright peg flew out of his nose and hit the floor with a loud POP. Problem solved. Everyone in the waiting room laughed.

I picked up the slimy peg and returned the clipboard to the receptionist. She too laughed and said, "Well, that saved some money."

Yardboy was very surprised to see us return so quickly, around 10:00. Tater was glad to see her little brother was unscathed. Both kids were asleep in just a few minutes.

Did you notice that in the beginning I thought the peg was GREEN? It wasn't. The peg was RED. I guess I spied other green residents in Little Man's nose. The RED peg was so high that we couldn't see it at all.

If this ever happens again, I will consider trying to elicit sneezing. Does anyone else have experience with things trapped in the nasal cavity? Any suggestions?

Little Man now knows that putting objects in his nose is "a bad choice" and says that he won't do it again. Tater agreed that she would tell an adult if she saw her brother putting things in his nose again.

One last thought. I've viewing this silly episode as a parenting rite of passage. I can't believe I have been a parent for over six years and never had to remove anything from a little nose.

Stains

2008-07-07T11:12:00.014-04:00

This morning was cleaning time. I was doing dishes, bathrooms, laundry, floors...

Vacuuming was really frustrating! I don't like seeing all of the stains that I have been unable to remove, or just haven't gotten around to cleaning. The stains are embarrassing.

I began noticing the spots and recalling what caused each of them. Here are a just a few examples:

*Silly Putty in Tater's room*
We didn't find it until months after the incident. I recently learned that she mixed the Silly Putty with glue before it was smashed into the carpet.

*Red Jello in the dining room*
This was the Jello that the kids proudly made for Father's Day. I think Little Man dropped it, but I'm not sure. I think I can get it out if I try.

*Popsicles, yogurt, pudding, milk, juice, and various other edibles/potables in the living room*
Yes, living room. I allow the kids to watch cartoons while eating afternoon snack. I know, bad idea for protecting carpet, but you live and learn, right? Well, maybe I'm not learning. I'm still going to let them eat there. I am afraid these stains are hopeless. I have tried every concoction I can think of, and nothing makes a difference. This morning after vacuuming, I covered the area with a kid rug. Why didn't I think of that earlier?

*Low-Fat Chai Tea Latte on the last bit of carpet before the kitchen tile begins*
About a year and a half ago, a friend spilled a huge cup of this delicious stuff. We immediately tried to get it up, and thought we had success. Wrong! It is one of those vanishing stains that reappears after a while. My friend apologized profusely. She felt so bad.

*Chocolate milk vomit in the living room*
This was courtesy of Little Man. Once again, I can't get rid of the spot. Yuck! The ottoman is covering it right now.

I potty trained two kids in this house and we have a cat. Fortunately, I managed to clean up all of the spots left behind from those adventures. Well, I cleaned the ones I know about.

There are lots of other stains of unknown origin. I don't think I want to know how they came to be.

I have to give Yardboy credit for trying to help keep the floor from looking like the carpet at Chuck-E-Cheese's. He gets out the steam cleaner every six months, or when thinks get really out of hand. It makes a difference, but it is still terrible looking.

As I said at the beginning, I was really frustrated with the stains. I'm not so upset now. Those stains are connected with a memories of people I love. None of the stains are from injuries, fights, or natural disasters. Instead, they are marks of a life with a wonderful family and friends. I guess people with beautiful hard floors don't have stain memories like I do.

Aren't you glad I did't take pictures? :)

Sunset

2008-07-05T09:55:00.001-04:00

My dad took this picture of Little Man last weekend. I just had to share it.

Mo Cake, Please

2008-07-01T07:58:00.005-04:00

This is Tater's fourth birthday cake. I have been looking for this picture two years, and I finally found it! It came a little late, but I thought I would share it anyway.

Tater was really into a collection of stories called Usborne's Farmyard Tales. This was my best effort to represent some of the characters. The pig's name is Curly, the dog, Rusty, and I have no idea what the chicken's name is.

I used a can of spray coloring to make the cake blue and learned a big lesson. Spray the cake outside! Everything in the kitchen ended up blue. I had to mop the floor after I realized that Tater and I had blue feet and were tracking the color onto the carpet. Oh, I must have inhaled a lot of the stuff too. For days I had blue snot. Yes, I know, probably too much information, but it was amazing.

How about that drink can? Nice.

Where are we going to put this baby?

2008-06-20T09:06:00.004-04:00

Of course, for the first several months the new baby will sleep in the bedroom with Yardboy and me. When she outgrows the cradle we don't know where she will go. Staying in our room for years is out of the question. Co-sleeping with an older infant or toddler means nursing all night long. Been there. Done that. I don't want to do it again.

I would love for her to have her own bedroom, but we have a three bedroom house.

The most obvious solution would be to let her share a room with Tater or Little Man. Siblings share rooms all of the time, right? Yardboy shared a room with one of his sisters for several years. I roomed with my brother for a very short time too.

Do we let the girls share a room. Tater will be 6 1/2 years older than the baby. Where will we put all of Tater's choking hazards--ummm, I mean toys? Where will Tater go when she needs some time to herself?

Do we let her room with Little Man? He will be 3 1/2 years older than his little sister. How long is is okay to let opposite sex siblings share a room, or does it matter?

We are also considering closing in part of our living room to make another bedroom. I like this option best. However, this is an expensive and labor-intensive option. I also have some concerns about how it look.

Buy a bigger house? No that option is out. We hate moving and can't afford it anyway.

I would love to have some feedback. Did you room with a sibling? Did your kids room together? Any suggestions?

What We Did on Father's Day

2008-06-19T09:52:00.008-04:00

Mom, Dad, and Cabbagehead came over to our house for Father's Day lunch. We had Greek dip, salad, steak, potatoes, bread, fruit salad, Jell-O, and of course, sweet tea. Lunch was great, even if I do say so myself.

Little Man was the potato washer and maker of strawberry Jell-O.

Tater was the strawberry slicer and maker of cherry Jell-O.

Daddy (my Yardboy)

Papa (my Dad)

I gave Yardboy this book. Remember Kevin Nealon from Saturday Night Live?
It's never a good idea to ask a woman if she's pregnant. If she's not, you're in huge trouble. I don't care if she's in the delivery room and the baby is halfway out. I would just play it safe and say, 'Excuse me, you got a little something on your leg, there.'"
--Kevin Nealon

WE ARE HAVING A...

2008-06-18T19:05:00.008-04:00

GIRL!

Yardboy took me to the imaging center today for my "official" 20 week ultrasound. The baby was very cooperative. SHE showed us everything we needed to see.

Tonight at dinner we were talking with Little Man and Tater about the baby. Tater is excited about having a little sister. Little Man's eyes welled up as he cried, "Nooooo, I wanted a boy!" He lightened up a little when I told him that he would be the ONLY brother.

Little Man has insisted all along that the baby is going to be named "Suzie," because, "Suzie is a boy name." He still likes the name the name for a girl.

Tater has insisted all along that the baby is going to be a girl. A few weeks ago she decided that she wanted to name the baby "Mot," because, "M-O-T spells Mot." She has also suggested "Kayla" and "Cindy."

I informed the kids that they will not be naming the baby sister, Yardboy and I will. I guess we have to start thinking about that now too.

Two Pounds, One Inch

2008-06-07T21:26:00.008-04:00

Little Man had an appointment with the endocrinologist this week. Before the appointment, LM repeatedly asked if the doctor was going to stick him with a "meedle." I honestly didn't know if he had to do blood work, so I tried to be positive as I said, "Hmm, I don't know sweetie."

The appointment went well and no blood draw was needed. Little Man gained two pounds and grew one inch in the last visit three months. Hooray! He is now 33 inches tall and weighs 25 pounds. That still leaves him at the zero percentile, but hey, he grew!

Now we up his Increlex to 14 units twice daily, and go back for measurement in three months.

Date Night

2008-05-30T09:52:00.005-04:00

Tater went on her first date last night. A little young? Nah, I think her date is an honorable guy. He treated her like a princess.

Yardboy took Tater to the Daddy Daughter Dance at church. I don't know which one of them was more excited. They had a great time!

Little Man and I went out on a date too. We went out to a very special restaurant. Well, he thought McDonald's was special.

After "dinner" we went went to the cheap theatre and saw "Horton Hears a Who." My date was ready to leave half way through the movie, but I managed to convince him to stay until the end. After all, I did pay $3.50 for us to get in!

16 Weeks

2008-05-28T09:12:00.005-04:00

Well, I'm at 17 weeks now, but I said I would give an update on my 16 week checkup.

Everything looked fine. The baby's heart rate was in the 140's and 150's. I did go up a couple of pounds, but the midwife still commented on my meager weight gain. The nurse drew more routine blood work. I got the results today, and everything was "within normal limits."

She also scheduled me for an official ultrasound at a local imaging center. We should be able to determine the sex of the baby then.

I hope the baby takes lessons from his/her big brother. Little Man let us see EVERYTHING in his 20 week ultrasound. I hope the baby doesn't take a cue from his/her big sister. Tater was a very modest fetus. She kept her back to the probe with her legs tightly crossed. The sonographer thought she was a girl but was very uncertain. We had lots of yellow and green for her.

The Busy Month of May

2008-05-16T21:19:00.009-04:00

We started out this month with Tater's gymnastics-themed sixth birthday party. The kids had a blast. Here is Tater blowing out the candles on the star-shaped cupcake cake that I made for her. Cupcake cakes are great! No knife needed for serving.

The next weekend was packed with activity! Here is Tater and Little Man before the ballet recital. This picture captures their personalities perfectly. Oh, Tater LOVES her parasol.

My parents (Grammy and Papa) were gracious enough to host a Mother's Day/third birthday party at their house. Little Man loved his Mickey Mouse party! Big sister really wanted to "help" blow out the candles. Yea, the cupcake cake looks great! I didn't make it. Making Taters cupcakes wore me out, so I ordered Little Man's cake from Wal-Mart.

Yardboy's mom (Grandma) gave Tater and Little Man a very unusual gift--traffic cones. It seemed really strange at first, but the kids really love them. I never imaged that they could have so much fun with six cones. Hours of entertainment, really.

Today was Tater's Kindergarten graduation. Sniff, sniff. This has been a wonderful year, thanks mostly to her teacher, Ms. C. I don't know who will miss Ms. C more, Tater or me.

Oh, one more note. My pregnancy is going well. I'm currently at 15 weeks, and the nausea is SO MUCH BETTER! I go back to my midwife next week. I will give an update then.

12 Weeks

2008-04-23T14:24:00.003-04:00

I saw my midwife, Jane, today for my 12 week checkup. I lost one pound, all of my lab work came back fine, and the baby's heart rate was 155 beats per minute. Jane was pleased.

Jane said that the nausea and vomiting should stop soon. Then she told me to try to gain weight. Ha! I told her that I am trying. Pregnancy is the only time in my life that I am told to try to gain weight. Any other time pounds jump on me uninvited.

I go back again in one month.

Dates and Numbers II

2008-03-17T14:48:00.007-04:00

I went to the OB office this morning.

They drew blood for the third time in a week. I had my second ultrasound in a week too.

There IS a baby with a heartbeat! What a beautiful heartbeat!

The baby (only one) measured to be 7 weeks, 0 days. That makes the due date 11-3-08.

I left the office with three ultrasound pictures of my baby, an appointment for next week, and two more prescriptions for nausea.

Thank You, God!

Dates and Numbers

2008-03-15T13:46:00.014-04:00

LMP: 1-21-08

That would make conception somewhere around 1-4-08, but that isn't possible.

Conception happened on 2-10-08, or a few days later.

By LMP, I am at 7 weeks, 5 days, but I know that date is screwy. Remember, I have crazy cycles.

By the date that I believe I conceived, I am at 6 weeks, 6 days.

Nausea and vomiting has been miserable this week. I've spent most of my time in bed (except when removing Silly Putty from hair and other essential tasks of motherhood). I have done a pretty fine job of shutting others out. I am supremely grouchy.

My motto this week has been:
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don't walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck
alone!

Tuesday morning I was feeling a little less than terrible, so Little Man and I went into the pregnancy center where I volunteer. I had my friend and nurse manager do an ultrasound on me. We saw a great gestational sac and a pretty little round yolk sac. We expected to see a
heartbeat, but didn't.

Maybe I am not as far along as I thought. Maybe it is too soon to see a heartbeat.

I left the center with a picture of my little yolk sac and two papers. One paper's header read "Miscarriage Precautions" and the other paper was a statement for my doctor's office saying that I needed to follow up with them.

My OB nurse got me in the office that morning. Yardboy met me and Little Man there. My midwife did a pelvic exam and said everything looked fine. Then she ordered blood work, a quantitative hCG. They drew the first one in the office and I had the next blood draw done on Thursday.

I got my lab results back last night at 5:45pm. Tuesday's hCG count was 53,136. On Thursday, the level was at 64,992. In healthy pregnancy, hCG levels double about every 48 hours. Obviously, my numbers didn't come anywhere near to doubling. Another thing I am wondering about is how high those numbers are. They seem pretty high to me, but I know very little about it all.

My OB nurse told me to come into the office first thing Monday morning for another ultrasound. Apparently they think the dates and numbers are funky too.

Now I don't know if I should hope for a healthy baby, or just hope this all ends soon. My emotions bounce all over the place. I feel numb, hopeful, sad, relieved, guilty... My mind is not a very pleasant place to visit right now.

I do know that I am still very miserably nauseated and that I am still pregnant. What I don't know is if I have a viable pregnancy. I will see what Monday morning brings.

Yes, this is a big exercise in trusting God.

Silly Putty

2008-03-13T15:59:00.008-04:00

I learn something new every day.

Today I learned that certain toys should not be played with in bed.

Apparently, Tater was playing with Silly Putty last night when she fell asleep.

She woke up with it on her squishy blue pillow, sheets, shirt, and in her hair. What a mess!

I found a great website that gives suggestions for removing Silly Putty, just in case you ever need to get it.

At least it wasn't chewing gum!

Update: Drason, I couldn't bear the thought of smelling peanut butter for that long, so I got creative. I used Queen Helene Cholesterol Hair Conditioning Cream. Yes, I know the name is disgusting! I bought the jar a few years ago hoping it would help my frizz problem. It didn't help the frizz issue, but it really worked on Silly Putty.

Formed in Utter Seclusion

2008-03-08T10:04:00.008-05:00

I've been putting off writing this post. Is it codependency or just being sensitive to the feelings of others? I don't know. That fine line still confuses me.

I am surrounded by friends that want to have babies, but for some reason or another, haven't been able to do so. It breaks my heart. I don't understand why it happens so easily for some, and not for others.

We had a small taste of the bitterness of infertility when we worked to get pregnant with our daughter, Tater. When we began trying to have a second child, we had a miscarriage. Immediately after the miscarriage, we conceived our son, Little Man. We don't take the fact that we have two great kids for granted. We are truly grateful that our struggle was so short-lived, and that we didn't lose more pregnancies.

Now for the big news: I am pregnant again, about six weeks along.

Did we plan to get pregnant? Nope, but we are excited. I did four pregnancy tests, expecting each to be negative, but hoping for positive. Many people laugh, "Don't you know how this happens?" Yes, we know how it happens, but we really didn't expect it to happen, given how "menstrually retarded" my body seems to be. Ha! I guess it works when it wants to work.

I've been afraid to surrender this pregnancy to God. I know that doesn't make sense. God can do whatever he wants, without my permission. I have been afraid that God will take this baby from me. I've been afraid to hope, for fear that my hopes will be dashed. Seeing lifeless babies of other women on ultrasound has not been helpful at all!

I considered keeping the pregnancy secret, at least a little longer, for fear that I would miscarry. Then I realized that it is better to have the support of those who care for me, than to hide in fear.

I am really working on trusting God. I am daily surrendering everything to God. I now know that we will be okay, no matter what happens.

Psalm 139: 13-16 (NLT)
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

Limited Obstetrical Ultrasound

2008-02-26T21:19:00.009-05:00

Recently I completed training in limited obstetrical ultrasound at a local crisis pregnancy center. I volunteer on Monday mornings when my kids are in school. Scanning pregnant bellies is awesome! There aren't many things more amazing to see than the first flicker of a heartbeat or tiny hands and feet.

I find it hilarious that almost every client comments on how big the baby's head is. Then, they blame the the baby's father, "He's got a big head, just like his daddy." Ha!

However, things aren't always cheerful in the ultrasound room.

I know from personal experience that it really sucks to be the woman on the table when the person performing an ultrasound says, "That's an empty uterus." It really, really sucks!

Now I also know that it really, really sucks to be the person performing an ultrasound when an unborn baby's heartbeat can't be found. I realize long before the mother that the baby is not alive, but I have to keep silent until I have finished all of my pictures and measurements. Then, I have to utter those heart wrenching words, "I'm not finding a heartbeat. I'm so sorry. You need to see your doctor as soon as possible..."

I encounter crying women every day that I volunteer. Frequently they cry tears of joy and wonder. Sometimes the weeping is in response to the hopelessness of an unplanned pregnancy. Rarely (I hope), they are due to the rotten news I deliver. In that case, I just cry with them and then we pray.

Blog Tag

2008-02-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Cheri from Northwoods Ramblings!

I have been given the task of listing seven random facts about myself. Here goes:

1. I spent a month of the summer after my high school graduation on a Teen Mania Ministries mission trip to Atlanta, Georgia.

2. I am currently training to do limited obstetrical ultrasounds at a crisis pregnancy center. I did an ultrasound on twins today. Wow!

3. I ruined my family vacation to Disney World when I was 15 years old. Much of our trip was spent in the hospital because I had encephalitis. The roller coasters didn't make me vomit, but the brain swelling sure did. Ugh!

4. I think lipgloss is much better than lipstick.

5. I don't like Jazz. It makes me have panic attacks.

6. I had LASIK surgery in 1999. Now I need glasses again.

7. I think Facebook is annoying. Don't poke me!

Game of Blog Tag Rules:
*Link to the person that tagged you.
*Post the rules on your blog.
*Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
*Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
*Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

I'm going break the rules and only tag five people:
Barbara, Sunny, Navy Wife, Crickey, and Drason

Injections Begin

2008-01-16T21:40:00.001-05:00

Tercicare sent us one month's worth of Increlex, bandages, syringes, alcohol pads, a sharps container, and a travel kit.
It was all FREE!

We watched a video on the medication administration as a family. Yardboy practiced giving injectionx to an orange before giving an actual shot to Little Man. The kids gave their dolls shots with needle less syringes. Then, they pretended to give shots to each other.

Smiley is sill smiling.

We have been giving the injections to Little Man twice daily since Sunday evening. In spite of the preparations we made, he runs and screams when it is time to get the shot. However, he stops crying the instant the needle is withdrawn. He always asks for a bandage (although it really isn't necessary). It seems that the dread of the shot is worse than the shot itself.

Tater was very worried about her little brother at first. She screamed and ran out of the room when we gave Little Man his first shot. Now she isn't afraid and had become quite the expert on Increlex administration. Tater polices my every move when I am preparing the medication. She really payed attention to the video.

Hmmm. Possible career in Medicine one day?

Celebrating Recovery on New Year's Eve

2008-01-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

These are the cakes I made for our Celebrate Recovery New Year's Eve Party. I couldn't find my camera, so I took these pics with my phone.

This one was a butter cake with vanilla buttercream and chocolate buttercream frosting.

Mmmmm. Butter is goooood.

This one is chocolate with chocolate ganache filling. I had to cover it with vanilla buttercream because it was so chocolaty!

The friends, food, music, and dancing were great. We had a blast ringing in the new year!

Diagnosis

2008-01-03T21:15:00.001-05:00

At the beginning of 2007, the doctors said that I wasn't feeding my son enough. Then, they changed their minds and started looking for the true cause of his slow growth. I've lost count of the tests they have done: x-rays, growth hormone stimulation test, DNA tests, and so many other blood tests. Little Man has become a pin cushion.

We went to see the pediatric endocrinologist again today. He diagnosed Little Man with Severe Primary Insulin-like Growth Factor Deficiency (Primary IGFD). It really is a relief to finally have a diagnosis.

To get information about Primary IGFD, check out The Magic Foundation and their video on IGFD.

In the next few weeks we will begin giving Little Man twice daily injections of Increlex. Our hope is that his rate of growth will be three times faster than it currently is. Here we go...

2008

2008-01-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

My Space

2007-12-29T22:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, I finally did it. I caved to the pressure. Cabbagehead will be so ashamed!
I now have a myspace account. My thirteen year-old niece helped me start. Here is my url: www.myspace.com/curlymommy.

Photo Diary of Fall 2007: What I Didn't Blog About

2007-12-25T19:39:00.001-05:00

Little Man and Tater started school this fall. Tater does kindergarten five mornings and Little Man does preschool three mornings each week. They love school! I'm glad I gave homeschooling a shot, but we are all so much happier with away from home schooling.

Tater has lots of homework. Every evening we work on spelling, reading, and memory verses. Each weekend one of Tater's classmates gets to take home Prayer Puppy. The lucky parents get to keep a journal of everything the dog does. Here the kids and Prayer Puppy are helping grind wheat to make bread.

This fall we went to two weddings and missed several more. This bouquet was from my cousin's wedding. It was beautiful.

Each fall our family goes to this pumpkin patch at a nearby church.

We always buy at least one over-priced pumpkin.

Tater in the school Halloween parade as "Pumpkin Girl."

Little Man as "Pumpkin Boy."

We went to a fall festival where Little Man got his face painted. This was supposed to be a smiley face. Yikes!

Pumpkin Girl and Ariel

Pumpkin Girl and Ariel got tired of the wigs, so we wore them. Such devoted mommies!

Daddy got into the wig action too. What a fun day and a worn-out family.

Little Man at school for his Thanksgiving Feast.

Princess Dancing Flower at the Thanksgiving Feast (fries and chicken).

We spent Thanksgiving in Atlanta. There were 21 of us in my aunt's house.

Yep, 21 of us in the house, and it went well. It was nice to be with my mom's family. I wonder if my aunt will invite all of us back next year. :)

Tater in her choir robe after the school Christmas program.

I love the movie A Christmas Story! My parents gave me this ornament. Isn't it magnificent?
Two days before Christmas we went to my parents house to be with my dad's family. There were 22 of us there. It was an especially joyous celebration because my grandmother was home. She broke her ankle in early October and was released from rehab one week before Christmas.

On Christmas Eve we went to church. The service was beautiful. Tater enjoyed belting out the carols and lighting her candle. Little Man had to go to the nursery during the opening prayer. We took this picture when we got home from church. It is amazing that there are no grape juice stains on that white dress. It is even more amazing that Little Man wore the sweater vest all evening!

New pajamas for Christmas Eve. Yea, no more sweater vest!

On Christmas day, Tater got on her new wheels to deliver cookies to the neighbors. My parents came over to our house for lasagna. It was really great to stay home. Oh, we forgot to let the kids open their stockings. I guess we can do it tomorrow morning.

Merry Christmas!

Peanut Is Here!

2007-11-11T08:50:00.000-05:00

I met a beautiful little Peanut Friday night. To see his picture, go visit Navy Wife.

Bronze Medallion

2007-10-13T22:46:00.000-04:00

Sunday night was the final lesson of my 26 week Step Study. I got a bronze medallion to commemorate the HARD work. Sometimes I can't believe how much healthier my spirit, mind, and body are. God is using Celebrate Recovery to change my life, my marriage and my family in amazing ways. Yes, I still struggle at times. I'm sure I always will. I am human, but now I have hope and the assurance that I am never alone. I am learning to allow God to direct my path.

By the way, I started another Step Study. It should end in the Spring. I have so much more work to do. I've only begun to allow God to scratch the surface. I want to go much deeper.

Here are just a few of the little saying, key words, concepts, or terms that I've learned at Celebrate Recovery. Some are new to me, some are old. Some are precious others are corny and trite. I love them.

Progress, not perfection.

Keep coming back.
It works if you work it.
So work it,
You're worth it.

stinkin' thinkin'

Large Group

Small Group

Solid Rock Cafe

codependent

compulsive over eater

Sexual Physical Emotional Abuse Recovery (SPEAR) Group

people pleaser

work my own program

Prayer for Serenity (long version)

The Lord's Prayer

Beatitudes

Hi, I'm Curly. I am a believer in recovery from...

Twelve Steps

Eight Principles

acrostics

surrender

inventory

confess

forgive

heal

grace

Sponsor

Sponsee

Accountability Partner/Group

self sufficiency

perfection

control

transparent

What is shared in the group, stays in the group.

I or me statements, not you or we statements.

Focus on your own thoughts and feelings.

Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Christ Centered Recovery Program

It's not about me!

safe place

family

family of origin

Life Hurts God Heals

CR101

Come back six times before you decide it isn't for you.

Look to your left. Look to your right. Chances are, there is a miracle sitting beside you.

CR Inside

double dip

Thank you for letting me share.

Thank you for sharing.

boundaries

Recovery Bible

Celebrate Recovery Bible

I'm sure I will think of lots more when I log off, but you get the point. Celebrate Recovery has changed my life. Thank you God!

Prayer for Serenity

2007-09-27T23:27:00.000-04:00

PRAYER FOR SERENITY

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is;
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
AMEN

- Reinhold Niebuhr -

---------------------------

Breathing

My friend posted this song on her blog. It touched me deeply. I have everything I ever wanted, but so often I feel like I'm just surviving, not thriving. Anything else would be more than I could handle. I know that those are the times when I should cry out to God, but even that seems more than I am capable of doing. Sometimes all I can do is hide behind my facade and keep breathing.

In Hiding

2007-09-16T20:39:00.000-04:00

I know these thoughts are not healthy,
But I have to give them a voice.
If I don't acknowledge the pain,
How can it ever get better?

So,
Here goes...

Where are you?
Are you ever coming back?
I'm lonely.
I miss my friend.

I guess you are in survival mode now.
The pain must be immense.
I don't know.
I assume.

I didn't cause the pain,
So why do you run from me when hurt?
Maybe I pushed too hard.
Maybe I expected too much.

I suppose you don't have the reserve to deal with my issues too.
I must not be safe anymore.
I don't want to add my insecurities to you burden,
But I can't stand this silence!

One Whole Year

2007-09-10T11:54:00.000-04:00

Today is the first birthday of The Fuzzball Chronicles!
Wow! I actually did something for an entire year. I'm proud of myself.

Solar System Cake

2007-09-08T15:02:00.000-04:00

Just Plain Messy

2007-09-06T21:51:00.000-04:00

I frantically cleaned before Drason, Crickey, and Smiley Boy came over yesterday. Drason has been here before, but it was the first visit for Crickey and Smiley Boy. I wanted to make a good first impression.

Well, actually I just didn't want to be totally embarassed. Of course, the house wasn't anywhere near as clean as I would have liked it to be. At least the bathroom wasn't disgusting. After cleaning the kitchen, and picking up most of the choking hazards, I came to my senses.

They weren't coming to see my house. They weren't coming over to evaluate my homekeeping skills. They were coming to see me. I'm usually comfortable in my messy home. If someone is a true friend, I should feel comfortable with them in my messy house with me.

Now I'm not saying that I should subject friends to poopy diaper scent, science projects in the kitchen sink, and a skanky bathroom. I am saying that I need to be more willing to open my door to others in spite of strewn toys, mountain ranges of laundry on the couch, milk and juice stains on the carpet, gritty tile floors, junkmail covering the desk, cat hair, dirty dishes in the sink...

I am resolving to let people in even if it is a disaster inside. No more stepping out on the porch and closing the front door. No more avoiding visits from friends. I am good at lots of other things. Neatness isn't my strong suit and I think that is okay.

We are a messy, cluttered family. I grew up in a messy, cluttered home. I am not going to pretend any more. If I had a spotless home, I would be denying my heritage! I would be denying my children of their heritage! HA!

By the way, all of the cakes are made in a clean kitchen. I don't like to cook or bake in a dirty kitchen. Clorox Cleanup is my friend.

Kindergarten and Preschool

2007-09-06T21:50:00.000-04:00

Tater and Little Man are both in school! They go to a half-day Kindergarten and preschool. Little man goes three days a week and of course Tater goes five days a week. They both seem to enjoy it so much. I'm glad we chose to put them in a school.

Don't shoot the messenger! Part II

2007-09-05T16:21:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm a believer in Christ Jesus who is recovering from Codependency. My name is Curly.

God has an interesting way of giving us what we need. I prayed for The Bulldog's heart to be softened. I don't know what God did to his heart, but he softened my heart.

One night last week I sat down at the computer and typed out an apology. Here is a small portion of the apology:

I feel I must make amends. Our conversation left me with a deep ache that isn’t going away.
I’ve never been good at conveying my feelings gently. Sometimes my passion gets me in trouble. I tend to present the unvarnished truth, and it isn’t always received in the way I intend. I think you and I are very similar in that respect.
I meant no harm, but my words must have seemed threatening. I am sorry. I simply wanted to share with you how God has been touching me, my family, and my friends. I wanted to share my joy with you. I did not intend to force anything on you or imply that you are doing anything wrong. Please forgive me if that is how I sounded...
I want your approval (though I do not need it) because you are important to me. The fact that I can even write this letter is a testament to the work God is doing in me.

I ended the email with a promise of a big hug from me at an upcoming party.

I didn't get a response from The Bulldog. For days I checked email and caller I.D. frequently. Nothing. I almost had a codependent meltdown. Did he read the email and become more angry? Did he see my email and decide not to even open it? Did he receive the email at all? I don't know.

I went to Celebrate Recovery the night before the party. My sponsor as well as others from my step group and small group prayed for me to have strength and wisdom the next night. I left ready to deliver the hug, no matter how he acted.

At the party, The Bulldog was making his rounds. He hugged everyone at our table except for me and my friend. He didn't speak to us or even make eye contact. It seemed intentional, but I don't know if it was.

I decided right then that I was going to find him and get that stupid hug over with, even if he was avoiding me. I had to deliver the hug, just in case he did read the email.

After a little encouragement from my friend, I got up and made my way to The Bulldog. I hugged him and he hugged me back. I asked him how he was doing and he said, "Great! I'm doing great." Then I walked away. It was over. The timing was not right to ask if he got the email. It was time to have fun at the party, so I did.

Now I really don't care what he thinks. I did what was right. I took care of my obligation. How he chooses to react is not my responsibility. HOW HE REACTS IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!

End Note:
To someone who doesn't have codependent tendencies, this must seem really stupid. I admit, it is really stupid. It is also really real and painful to me. The approval of those I love is more important to me than it should be. However, I'm getting better... Thanks for letting me share.

Please, don't shoot the messenger!

2007-08-27T10:57:00.000-04:00

The message was healing, hopeful, and peaceful, but I never even got to relay the good news. I was shot down immediately.

I came into the territory peacefully. I soon learned that I was not welcome. The land was guarded by a fierce, angry, jealous Bulldog, bent on protecting what is his. He likes things the way they are. He dislikes change, unless it is his idea. He doesn't like people telling him how to run his territory. My good news was not threatening, but it was seen as an invasion.

Now I'm wounded, and in pain. His cold, hard words cut me to the core. I guess that is what you get when you trespass on posted land. I'm not surprised. I was fully aware of the risk I was taking. However, I hoped for a better reception. I hoped that he would at least hear me out.

In spite of the hurt, I don't regret my attempt. I was obedient. I don't know what God has planned, but I am praying.

Trying

2007-08-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

Don't give up, but don't push too hard.
Pushing too hard just leads to resentment.
Did I push too hard?
Should I push harder?

Sometimes they seem to want my company.
Other times they seem very uncomfortable around me.
I'm confused.
Should I stay or go?

Trying to help.
Trying to comfort.
Trying to fix.
Trying to do ANYTHING to make it better, to make the pain go away.

When I try, I meet with resistance.
They question my motives.
Would I resist too?
Yes.

I don't want to be controlled.
I don't want to be controlling.
I don't want to be manipulated.
I don't want to be manipulating.

I want them to be well.
I want them to be whole.
I mirror the pain others feel.
I feel their aches as if they were my own.

A Few Words from the Weedeater Pilot

2007-08-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

My dad is an adrenalin junkie. Here is the proof in his own words:

Well, there I was just flying along at 600 feet, just 400 yards off the west end of my runway. All was well. Except the thought that entered my feeble mind. "I think I'll do an engine-out landing.", my sick brain said. Before I could talk any sense into my own head I had flipped one mag switch. The engine slowed slightly, and much to my dismay, I flipped the second switch. Silence is supposed to be golden, but the silence was not to be enjoyed. One eye on the runway threshold, one eye on the air speed indicator and one eye on the altimeter....wait, that's three eyes. How did I do that. Anyway, I made an Albatross-like landing about 150 yards down the runway. As I sat there on the runway in silence a terrible thing ran through my head, "Do it again!" So I did. The landing went rather smoothly this time. Slid that thing onto the runway at about 50 knots, taxied to a stop and just sat there enjoying the silence. When I noticed how much I was sweating I restarted the engine and taxied on home. Man, what a ride.

What's Wrong With This Cake?

2007-08-12T14:30:00.000-04:00

Can you see the problem with this cake? I worked on it for hours, Mom watched me make it, Yardboy inspected it, and our babysitter checked it out too. None of us noticed the mistake BEFORE the surprise party. I realized that i screwed it up last night, AFTER the party, when I was looking at the pictures. UGH! GRRRRRR! Mistakes like that just kill me! Cabbagehead would understand. He is a perfectionist too.

I made this cake for our Music Minister's 40th birthday. In spite of the glaring error, it was a hit. Everyone said they loved it. I wonder how many of them noticed the problem. This morning I asked the Birthday Girl if she saw the error, and she said, "Yes, right away, but I couldn't say anything." She really seemed to appreciate the thought and effort.

Oh, it tasted great too. It was a french vanilla cake with raspberry and chocolate ganache filling. I iced it with vanilla and chocolate buttercream. The sharps and flats are Hershey's Sticks. I tried to make white keys with white chocolate, but that was a dismal failure. I need to keep working on that idea.

At the party, I put forty candles on the cake and lit them with my torch (Yardboy's idea). A little of the chocolate frosting got singed and the smoke detector alarmed. It was really funny!

Locks of Love

2007-08-11T22:47:00.000-04:00

Tater has been growing her hair in hopes that it would be long enough to donate to Locks of Love.

A little over a week ago, I was struggling to brush Taters hair. I asked her if she was ready to donate. She said, "YES!"

The next day I braided her locks and we headed to the mall. In JC Penney, Felicia cut the braid and gave Tater a cute new style.

We don't need detangler any more. Tater misses having "doggy ears" but does seem to enjoy the easy hair brushing sessions.

I have the braid, padded envelope, and form. Now I need to print pictures and send it all to Locks of Love.

A couple of days later, I realized that one side of her hair was longer than the other. I tried to even it out myself, but just made it lop-sided in the other direction. My wonderful Aunt C fixed my mistake Wednesday evening. Tater's hair looks great!

Tater's Cake

2007-07-27T16:02:00.000-04:00

Tater helped me bake this cake. Then she decorated it with the leftover frosting from the baby shower cake. Great job, Tater!

Three Peas in a Pod

2007-07-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

This evening I made a very special baby shower cake. The mother, J, and her husband have been trying to conceive for years and are finally expecting three little miracles thanks to IVF. The specialists only transferred two eggs, but one of them split into identical twin boys. The third baby is a little girl. I am so excited for this couple. Congratulations J and C.

Oh, and here is a birthday cake I made last month. Yes, Barbie and Ken are in the hot tub. I wanted to make everyone at the party laugh, and I succeeded. The cake almost fell apart. It was an engineering feat to keep the thing in one piece. As you can tell, it isn't quite round.

Summer Blogger Syndrome

2007-07-25T23:55:00.001-04:00

Apparently Summer Blogger Syndrome is contagious. Navy Wife, Drason, and Crickey all have it. Sunny is recovering. I'm trying to recover too. Then again, maybe I'm not recovering. This is a pretty lame post.

Cheri and Layla seem to be holding strong. They must take blogger vitamins.

I'm Not Who I Was and What I've Done

2007-07-22T22:54:00.000-04:00

I'm still here, I just can't think of anything worthwhile to say. Instead, I share the words and music of others that have inspired me this week.

Brandon Heath- I'm Not Who I Was

Linkin Park- What I've Done

Excellence Instead of Perfection

2007-06-20T08:27:00.001-04:00

A little over a week ago I went to a Vacation Bible School Leadership meeting at church (I am the Preschool Crafts Director). We were served a very nice dinner of bread and olive oil, Caesar salad, chicken casserole, brownies, and tea. After dinner we served each other Holy Communion. I left the meeting feeling rejuvenated, but that is not the point of this post.

Before the meeting I met with the Children's Minister and we discussed decorating the four preschool craft rooms. She said that we aren't allowed to hang anything from the ceiling, due to fire codes. That comment triggered a memory that I shared with her.

In March 1982, my kindergarten year, our class made umbrellas cutouts from old wallpaper samples. I remember being amazed by the huge books full of florals, stripes, and plaids. I don't remember exactly what color I picked out, but I do remember that is was a hideous floral circa some time in the 1970's. I liked it!

The teacher's aid (her name escapes me) cut out the profile of an umbrella on two sheets of wallpaper. I was to glue the two together. Then a hole would be punched in the top and a hanging string would be added.

The aid told me, "Don't use too much glue."

I used too much glue. It was supposed to be flat, but my umbrella curled into a sideways U. Ha! U for umbrella.

The sight of all the umbrellas hanging from the ceiling was mesmerizing to my five year-old mind. They were beautiful. Well, mine was not beautiful. It curled up because I used too much glue.

After I shared this brief story with her she asked, "So, you've always been a perfectionist?"

I answered, "No." Pause. "Ummm." Pause. "Well, yes."

She jokingly said, "You know that there is a group for that on Friday nights."

I laughed and replied, "Yes, and I'm in it."

You see, I have never thought of myself as a perfectionist until now. Ive always thought of my self as a pig, a messy, disorganized, lazy pig, and not at all perfect.

This one little comment triggered so much thought. Am I really a perfectionist? Yes.

Here is how it works for me. I want to do a good job, but if I can't do something well and quickly, I'd rather not do it at all. I don't like big tasks, because I get overwhelmed and I fear failure. I do fine with small tasks that have a definite ending point with measurable results.

Here is a great example: my garage. It is a MESS! I don't even like to go out there. It stresses me out. I don't like to work on it because the job is just too big. After a few hours of cleaning, sorting, and purging, I'm tired, disgusted, and ready to quit.

How about another example? I have several hundred dollars worth of scrapbooking supplies in my garage. Do I ever use them? No. Scrapbooking stresses me out! I'm never satisfied with the pages I make. I made a wedding album that I can't stand. I have the first four weeks of Tater's life scrapbooked. I think those pages look great, but she is five now. Poor Little Man doesn't have any pages. I have thousands of pictures waiting to go into books, but I am frozen. I don't want the frustration of trying to get it right. I'd rather not try.

Cake decorating has been very good for my little perfection problem. If I promise a cake, I am forced to present one even if I'm not entirely satisfied. Usually everyone around me thinks it looks fantastic. Nay-sayers just keep their mouths shut. Oh, and cakes, even wedding cakes are short projects. I can, and have to complete them.

I know, The Superman cake is the exception. Other people agreed that Superman really did look a lot like Moe.

Okay, I must confess. Last fall I really disappointed a friend when I showed up with a grocery store cake instead of a homemade one. I became so upset with the stupid red frosting that I put my fist through the cake and then threw it in the garbage can. Yardboy was really mad at me for ruining the cake I spent so much time (and money) on. It was not a nice night at our house.

I won't do that again. I learned two things. One, that I should buy red decorator frosting instead of trying to make it myself. Two, that an ugly homemade cake is better than throwing a tantrum and having to buy a lame grocery store cake off the shelf.

Somehow this has to make it back around to Celebrate Recovery. Right? Okay, here it is. I've been dragging my feet with my Inventory. Why? Because I want it to be perfect and complete! Who ever heard of such crap?

The Inventory form has columns. All of my junk won't fit into those little columns and still look right. What if I write it down and forget something? I can't go back later and just add it in the margin. Then it won't look right! It would be really messy! I know, it is crazy. Why does a messy page bother me when a huge pile of laundry on my love seat doesn't?

I decided to just write my Inventory journal style. I'll start writing and go with what ever comes out. I'm using the silly column headings as guides or suggestions instead of absolute rules for formatting. To someone else, this may seem really foolish, but the desire to have page neatness has been a huge stumbling block for me. I think this new approach may just work.

So after much thought, prayer, and sharing in Small Group and with my Accountability Partner, I decide to go back to the Children's Minister and tell her about what she started with her simple question.

At first she looked worried and asked, "Did I injure you?"

"No," I replied, "It was huge and very good. Thank you."

She then asked me if I knew Ms. K from our church. She is in leadership and is thought very highly of.

I've met her.

The Children's Minister said that Ms. K admits that she is a perfectionist to a fault and is constantly working on it. Now she strives for excellence instead of perfection.

I laughed and added, "The difference between Ms. K and me is that she is always so "put together" and I make fart jokes."

I'm off to work on my Inventory now. Pray for me.

I'm Baaaaaack!

2007-06-20T08:21:00.000-04:00

The computer crashed. Then, we went out of town for several days. Then, I helped my dear friend make a wedding cake. Then, date night with Yardboy. Then, Father's Day celebrating.

Yardboy has the computer up and running again. We are back home. The cake has been eaten. The date is over. Father's Day is past.

In short, I'm back. Did you miss me?

Pantry Cleaning

2007-06-08T17:10:00.000-04:00

My Celebrate Recovery Sponsor came over for lunch yesterday. It was really nice to get to know her a little better.

After lunch, I opened the pantry to put something away. This is what it looked like:

I told my sponsor that my pantry was a metaphor for my life, or for me.

My pantry held many really healthy foods, some that are good only in moderation, some things that are tasty, but harmful to my health, and some that are just plain rotten.

This afternoon I showed the pantry to another friend in Recovery. After she went home, I cleaned and organized it. I even vacuumed and mopped the floor. In the past, I wouldn't have worried about the floor. Nobody else ever sees it and it is just going to have stuff piled on it again. Why bother? I bothered this afternoon because of the parallel I saw between the pantry and my recovery.

I'm still working on Step Four, the Inventory. It has proven to be a much more difficult task than I thought it would be. I want to do a complete, honest inventory, and it is taking so long. I keep thinking of the old saying, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer is, "One bite at a time." I'm working on my inventory one little bite at a time and it is difficult to chew.

My life, like my pantry contains good things, harmful yet pleasurable things, things that must be kept in check, and things that are simply bad. I'm trying to identify and clean out the bad, while keeping the good in balance.

When I finished cleaning, sorting, and purging this is what I had:

After looking at my newly organized pantry I had another thought. My pantry and my life will not stay neat and clean without work. I must constantly add good things and regularly evaluate, clean out, and discard the junk.

Ephesians 4:31 (NLT)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.

Lamentations 3:40 (The Message)
Let's take a good look at the way we're living and reorder our lives under God.

Isaiah 1:18 (NIV)
"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.

Eleven Twelve

2007-06-05T08:10:00.000-04:00

I used this song to teach Tater to count. I told her that it was a Sesame Street song from when I was a little girl. I haven't seen the entire video since I was a child. She and I were so excited to see it this morning!